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Lauren and I vulture open seats at a packed-out Penn Quarter Maman. Through the morning din, we chat about Lauren’s work as a psychotherapist, how an absence of Jewish community reinforced her Jewish identity, the gap between planning and doing, Joan Rivers, and the reality of being a therapist.
Samuel: What brought you to the DMV?
Lauren: I grew up outside of DC, in Potomac. I went away to college at the University of Michigan, then moved to New York, then did grad school in Denver. After I graduated from my doctorate program, I really wanted to come back to the area. I wanted to be close to family. And while I loved being in Denver, I felt really far removed from my home base. That was where my Jewish identity got a lot stronger, because there were not a lot of Jewish people there. I was never particularly observant – I’d go to synagogue on, like, the High Holidays – but [even] that was really missing in Denver. I was used to having [a Jewish community]. So, that was certainly a big part of coming back here.
Samuel: What’s kept you here?
Lauren: I feel rooted here. My husband and I just got married in January, and we really love our life here. My parents still live in Maryland, we have tons of good friends, and my business is here. We really feel like this is home.
Samuel: You mentioned your Jewish identity growing stronger when you were removed from Jewish community. How does that manifest?
Lauren: This is a superficial thing, but I feel like I wear more things that would identify me as Jewish. Like, a Magen David, or I have a hamsa necklace on under my sweater. It’s such an instant connection when you’re feeling like a fish out of water, or you’re new to an area, and you see somebody and just recognize: There’s another person like me.
I grew up being taught about how Jews are a minority group, but I didn’t understand it on that level until I was 25 and really felt like an outsider in that way [because of] my religion. So now I feel more willing to openly identify and to use it as a connector and a commonality. I look for spaces with a lot of Jewish people because I don’t want to take it for granted. I appreciate that there is such a vast network of Jewish people here.
Samuel: How are you building your Jewish community right now?
Lauren: We’re planning on doing gatherings at our house, things with friends: Shabbat dinners and things for Hanukkah and Passover and all the holidays. It’s something we really want, though we’re living in a smaller apartment now.
Samuel: What’s the gap between planning it and doing it?
Lauren: Just having the space is the big thing. We’re moving soon. It is so nice when you incorporate those traditions, like hosting people at your house. Or, we went to a delayed Passover Seder with people my husband used to work with. The host had a lot of friends who weren’t Jewish but wanted to understand what Passover was, wanted to learn, and had asked a lot of questions. I thought that was amazing, and so inspiring to be able to congregate.
Samuel: What else feels alive Jewishly?
Lauren: It really does feel like the biggest part of my identity. I feel like a Jewish person first. Having Judaica – jewelry, art, the ketubah – it’s so beautiful. I did a mikvah before our wedding, which I’d never done before, and that was so cool. It was really emotional, more emotional than I thought going in. I felt this connection to…this is the water from the same source that, for thousands of years, Jewish women and men have been doing. The universality of that was so moving and emotional.
I think there’s also this sense of pride I have – I’ve always felt proudly Jewish, and my grandparents are Holocaust survivors – but post-October 7th I’ve felt this drive to be courageous, and using opportunities to teach when someone says something misunderstanding the Jewish experience.
I also do a gratitude spirituality thing as well. I try to do it every day, thinking about my relatives and empathizing with what they went through. I want to learn more about my own family history and go back and really honor them.
Samuel: You’re a therapist. I’m always interested in jobs that have a shorthand pop culture image, and the gap between that image and the actual day-to-day.
Lauren: Some people think being in therapy is laying down on a couch, it’s all Freudian and about your parents, it’s the Oedipus complex, right? That’s not how I or the majority of therapists practice. People also think that you’re wearing your therapist hat all the time, even when you’re outside of a session. You know, you’re analyzing everybody in your life. So many people have joked to me: I hope you’re not psychoanalyzing me right now! Or: I shouldn’t open up, I know a therapist is here!
No. I’m not always in psychologist mode, thinking of diagnoses. It probably makes me curious about people – asking questions, understanding them – but I’m not doing therapy on people or thinking of things like that. I find it is easy for me to turn off. When I’m around friends or meeting new people, I’m humble enough to know there’s so much more to a person’s story that you can’t know just from how someone’s presenting right then and there.
Samuel: What got you on this path?
Lauren: There isn’t necessarily an a-ha moment. In high school, I took an AP Psychology course and loved it. It’s so fascinating to think about why we do what we do. And I’m sure part of it is wanting to understand myself better. Why do things make me anxious? Why am I stressed? I just found that it clicked for me in a way. It challenges me, but I don’t feel like I’m fighting against the current trying to understand it.
Samuel: Do you think your work has changed how you operate in your personal or inner life?
Lauren: Yes and no. My family would always joke that if I was going through a tough time or was overwhelmed, like: You’re a therapist! But I can’t be my own psychologist. I have my own. It certainly changes me, but it doesn’t mean that I’m…no one’s perfectly evolved. It’s really hard to flip it on yourself. I try to integrate how I practice in my own life. A big part of my practice is acceptance, [especially] for things we can’t change. There’s so much uncertainty in life.
Samuel: Why is it so hard for us to examine ourselves?
Lauren: We can’t see our own blind spots, obviously. When I’m a client in therapy, there’s things my therapist can point out that, if I was not me, I would hopefully see that same blind spot. Being able to see yourself, to take yourself out of your body and view yourself, is so hard. We have defenses and insecurities and things we might not want to admit to ourselves. When you’re going through a hard time or feeling dysregulated, it’s harder to think back to patterns, to connect, to find throughlines. It can take another person to be that mirror to you. It’s really hard.
Samuel: Alright, a few quick ones to close. What’s something you’re bad at?
Lauren: Physical directions.
Samuel: What are you feeling proud about?
Lauren: I just got married! That was a big feat – even just helping plan, and we just finished planning our honeymoon. I’m proud that my husband and I are going to take that time and do this for ourselves. My brother’s getting married, too. So I’m really lucky and proud to have all these wonderful things to celebrate.
Samuel: You can host any three people for Shabbat dinner. Who are you bringing?
Lauren: Joan Rivers. I love her. I think she’s hysterical. Then, my grandparents and Larry David. We’re just going to laugh for Shabbat.
Samuel: Last one. Finish the sentence: When Jews of the DMV gather…
Lauren: There’s so much momentum and push here. People are really involved and crave in-person get-togethers. We mobilize.
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