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Menachem and I meet one chilly morning at Big Bear Cafe. Over water and a mocha latte, we chat about complex religious journeys, living authentically, approaching life with fresh eyes, McDonald’s, and forging community!
Samuel: What brought you to DC initially?
Menachem: I got a rabbinical degree through a program in Miami, then graduated from Brooklyn College with a degree in political science. The question was: What do I do now? With my background – my parents are Chabad emissaries in South Carolina and started a Jewish day school – the push was to get married, have a bunch of kids, and live a religious life.
I had long ago decided that wasn’t for me. I remember clearly when I was 12 putting on tefillin for the first time and, while everyone else at camp was really into their tefillin and hats and jackets…it just didn’t mean anything to me. But then I was in yeshiva, and all my friends were there. It was where my parents wanted me to be. It was where my rabbis wanted me to be. I didn’t see a reason to rock the boat.
For years, I pretended that I was very religious when I wasn’t. Eventually, when I let my parents know, they said maybe it was a phase. When I was going to New York [for college], my parents wanted me to date, and I said again: I don’t think this is for me. But they said to go and see what happens. I wasn’t going to date someone who was religious; it’s not fair to them. It’s one thing when you’re on your own and living a different life, but to do that to someone else is not okay.
I knew that once I had my degree and some of my own money, I was going to leave. I graduated when I was 26, and made the decision to live in DC. I found a house off of Facebook, drove down from New York, and told my parents. And they were not happy. But that was the decision I made, and that’s what brought me to DC. It was the need to break, and live my own life.
Samuel: What’s kept you here?
Menachem: It’s crazy to look back on it, but when I moved I did not know a single person in the DMV. I went to a Chabad social event – Chabad was what I knew, right? – and met someone who told me I was supposed to be getting coffees. I was like: I don’t drink coffee. But he said no, it’s not about drinking the coffee, it’s about sitting with people and networking. So I started this journey of meeting people and got my first internship on the Hill.
Then, shortly before the internship, I went to Jew Kids on the Block with the DCJCC. I’m still friends with three people who all went there that night and signed up for Shabbat Clusters. I also got coffee with Noa, who still keeps in touch with me, through GatherDC. I remember thinking: there’s a lot going on here, and I don’t know any of it, but why not try?
I had a great time at Shabbat Clusters. I started hanging out with guys who went to Moishe House, and ended up living in Moishe House NoMa. Shout out to Josh, who helped get me started, and my roommates Rachael and Elana. I got lucky – we have a lot of good friends who have kept in touch and go to happy hours and JCC events and plays and all that together.
Samuel: So you left one Jewish community, and have built a new one for yourself in DC. What has that same remaking process looked like for your personal Jewish practice?
Menachem: It’s been a struggle, coming here. In yeshiva, it was like: you’re either keeping everything, or nothing. Your whole day is set. You learn at this time, you pray at this time. But here – and this isn’t judgmental – everyone’s Judaism is different. I meet people here who will tell me, while they’re using their phone on Shabbat, about how they don’t eat anything non-Kosher. Like, what is going on?
My Judaism is being redefined every second because so much is new. I haven’t found what my Judaism is, because I think that will always be an ongoing search. I have enjoyed seeing all the different groups; I like being an outsider and seeing all these groups doing their Judaism very differently. What keeps Judaism very alive in my mind is the social aspect, and being with other Jewish people. And all the good parts of the holidays are still there. I’m not above getting a jelly doughnut during Hanukkah. When Pesach comes around, I love spending time with family and doing the Seder. I still find that meaningful.
Samuel: What would you say to someone who might be reading this and feeling the way you’ve talked about feeling as a kid, where maybe your practice looks a certain way because that’s what other people expect?
Menachem: Yeah, what would I tell Menachem at 18? Everyone’s story is different, but personally I wish that I’d revealed who I was going to be earlier. I understand why I took so long and why I didn’t want to rock the boat. But I’m so much happier now, even though life is hard in a lot of ways, and that relationship with family is challenging. At the end of the day, there are basic things – getting to walk down the street and eat at whatever restaurant, getting to shave – that people take for granted. But those things make me happy.
I wish I would have been honest with myself earlier and said: This is who I am. It’s time to admit that and start living that life. You will, in the long run, be happier living your life the way you want to live it. Start doing that, even though it is hard.
Samuel: A few quick ones to close. What’s something in the DMV that doesn’t get enough shine?
Menachem: There’s a place down the road here called DCity Smokehouse and I love it. It’s so good. 2fifty is still my favorite, but DCity Smokehouse is really good barbecue.
Samuel: What are you feeling proud about right now?
Menachem: When you come to a new place and don’t know anyone, it’s like living in a different world. Then you come here and everyone’s talking about Taylor Swift or whatever – I’m about 18,000 memes behind because I lived for many years without a smartphone – you feel like you can’t fit in, can’t do it. I don’t know what people are talking about. The one all my friends say is “you’re giving” something.
Samuel: It’s giving…?
Menachem: That one. To come into all that, I really thought about quitting a lot. I’ve considered – should I go home? Should I move back, even though I was in that world and miserable? How can I stick it out when it’s so clear that I’m so different? I’m proud that I didn’t give up. I did it and threw myself into this world. I went to all these Jewish events. I went to all these non-Jewish events. Like…I’m going to try McDonald’s. I’m going to eat an M&M. I don’t know what they are, but everyone says you should eat them. I did all these things, I networked, and now I have this amazing job and I have so many friends. So I’m proud.
Samuel: Last one. Finish the sentence: When Jews of the DMV gather…
Menachem: It’s community. This is a big deal to me. When we gather, community happens. Whatever background you’re coming from, it’s always a chance to start a new friendship, a new group, a new something.
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