Vice President Biden Literally Breaks a Tie in Senate

bidenWASHINGTON, DC – (@The Comedy News) – Vice President Joe Biden came to the U.S. Senate floor today to exude his only real Constitutional duty– to break ties in the Senate. However, he chose to interpret his Constitutional duty as he had to literally take a necktie and break it into pieces.

When the Vice President arrived on the floor and silently grinned his trademark smile, he pulled out a brand new red and blue-striped necktie and proceeded to break it into pieces with his bare hands.

“Once that tie came out of his pocket, we knew exactly what ol’ Joe was gonna do”, a Senate Page reported. “We hear stories about how much of a goof he was when he was a Senator. And now, out of forty-seven Vice Presidents in U.S. history, Joe is the first that I know of to come to the floor and rip a tie to pieces—and then defend his behavior as his ‘Constitutional duty’.

Article I, Section 3, Clause 4 of the United States Constitution states that “the Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided”. There is no mention of neckties.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Bob Saget to Play Anthony Weiner in Made-for-TV Movie, “Weinergate”

weinerBiopic Will Show How Job Performance Is Much Less Important Than Personal Life 

QUEENS, NY – (@TheComedyNews) – Actor and comedian Bob Saget has been tapped by Anthony Weiner himself to play the former Congressman in the upcoming made-for-TV movie,“Weinergate”.

Saget, known around the comedy scene for his vulgar and graphic stand-up material, is said to not only look like Anthony Weiner when he wears his contact lenses, but also has the tendency to yell similarly to former Congressman Weiner.

“I invited Bob over to my bungalow in Queens this week, we had a good talk,” describes Weiner, clad in a Mets sleeveless shirt at a Golds Gym.  “Bob proved to me that not only does he basically look like me and have the propensity to drop f-bombs and impress a lot of ladies, he is also a huge proponent of health care reform.”

Weiner also asked Saget to do a health care reform-themed Aristocrats joke at the top of his lungs at some random republican dissidents.  Details of the graphically hilarious partisan rant have not yet been published, but eye-witnesses say some of the topics covered included John Boehner’s tanning lotion, a highway rest-stop toilet, and John Stamos moonlighting as a urologist.

At that point, Weiner was sure that Saget was the man to portray him in a made-for-TV movie.

CBS is set to air the made-for-TV movie on Presidents’ weekend.  Principal photography will begin this weekend in a government-operated locker room.

Although the film is set to be titled, “Weinergate”, the producers are considering renaming the project something more original:

–“Huma’s Cool With It: The Anthony Weiner Story”
–“Congressman Beefcake Goes to the Gym”
–“Cable News Casualties Caught on Tape”
–“No Different Than A Constituent”
–“Life in the I Don’t Give A Fuck Lane”
–“Everybody’s Done It, So Shut Up”
–“How to Be Great At Your Job And Get Forced To Resign Over Shit That Is No One’s Business But Yours”

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Thanksgivukkah Hybrid Foods to Consider

b-thanksgivukkah-102313With Thanksgiving and Chanukkah combining forces for the first time ever this November, many American Jews are considering modifications to their traditional thanksgiving dinners.

So here are a few ideas for combining almost 400 years of Thanksgiving deliciousness with 5,000 years of Jewish culinary tradition:

Sweet potato ball soup
Parsley and Horseradish salad

Beef brisket-stuffed Turkey
Venison Bagels with Cottage Cheese

Brussels Sprouts-wrapped Hamentaschen
Gefiltefish Stuffing

Pumpkin Knishes
Potato Latke-Crusted Apple Pie
Pecan-Kugel Pie

Manischevitz cranberry wine
Lox Cider

Remember to save some room for wontons and egg rolls on December 25.  And don’t forget to celebrate Thanksgivukkah early with the GTJ November Happy Hour! (RSVP on Facebook to be entered into a raffle for two Matisyahu concert tickets!)

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Statue of Liberty Celebrates 114th Anniversary of her Bat Mitzvah

stateNEW YORK HARBOR – (@The Comedy News) – Today, the Statue of Liberty will celebrate the 114th anniversary of her Bat Mitzvah.

On Saturday, October 28, 1899, the Statue of Liberty turned 13 years old.  On that day, she read from the Torah as a Jewish rite of passage in front of her family and close friends.

In attendance at Lady Liberty’s Bat Mitzvah was The Great Sphinx traveling from Egypt, Christ the Redeemer from Brazil, Moai from Easter Island, and the entire population of New York City, which around 1900 was 3,437,202 people.    Her first dance at her party after the ceremony was with Michelangelo’s David, who dressed in only a kippah.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Who Will Be Waiting In Line to Get the New iPhone on Release Day?

iphomOn Friday, September 20, Apple will be releasing an unprecedented two new iPhones— the iPhone 5S and the iPhone 5C.   With pre-orders limited to only the 5C, experts predict massive lines outside Apple retail stores—with some lunatic Apple fans who have already been in line for weeks.

And due to massive supply shortages, many more would-be iPhone buyers will be getting in line in the wee hours of Thursday night and Friday morning to ensure they will have the device by the weekend.

At the same time, many Apple stalwarts will be refraining from waiting in line for the smartphone. We surveyed 1,000 people as to weather they will be waiting in line on the new iPhone release day, and here is what some had to say:

“I WILL wait on line for the new iPhone on release day because…”

  • …it will be a fun reunion for all the friends I made at the iPhone 5 release last year.”
  • “…I’ve been dying to take a fake-sick day.”
  • “…it will be the closest I will ever get to taking a camping trip.”
  • “…a gold iPhone will be the missing piece to the puzzle of losing my virginity by Friday.”
  • “…I have nothing better to do thanks to government furloughs.”
  • “…I have yet to reach my annual Apple spending quota of $1500 per year.”
  • “…sitting outside in the dark of night while playing with my electronics, what can possibly go wrong?”
  • “…I thoroughly enjoy complaining about how tired I am.”
  • “…with a fingerprint-scanner to unlock the thing, I no longer will have to worry about the cops snooping my text messages with my drug dealer.”

“I will NOT wait on line for the new iPhone on release day because…”

  • “…I will be spending my hard-earned $400 at the strip club, thank you very much.”
  • “…my carphone is still alive and kicking it.”
  • “…there’s a new iPhone coming out?  I bought an iPhone 5 yesterday.  Goddammit.”
  • “…I’m still a bit busy occupying Wall Street.”
  • “…I know I will just leave it in a cab like I did with the last one.”
  • “…I have a job, a life, and self-respect.”
  • “…I will probably lose my place in line when I make a dash to the nearest Starbucks bathroom at sunrise.”
  • “…hold on, I’m texting. Will tell you in uno…………..momento. So… What was the question?”

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Go Where No Jew Has Ever Gone Before: Up for Grabs…. Jewish Firsts that Have Yet To Happen

10341509_BG1Jews looking to pad their LinkedIn profiles with accomplishments still have a wide field of opportunity to become the first Jew to do something.Here’s a list of ten things you can still be the “first Jew” to do:

  • First Jew to walk on the moon.  (1)
  • First Jew to be President of the University of Notre Dame. (2)
  • First Jew to get stripped of a Grammy.  (3)
  • First Jew to win a gold medal in the equestrian events at the Summer Olympics. (4)
  • First Jew to play bass for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  (5)
  • First Jew to lose five Super Bowls as head coach.  (6)
  • First Jew to play a villain opposite Mel Gibson in a Lethal Weapon movie.  (7)
  • First Jew to defeat Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring.  (8)
  • First Jew to sleep with Pauly Shore.  (9)
  • First Jew to eat 80 matzo balls in 8 minutes.  (10)


(1)  Although a Jew has yet to walk on the Moon, the first Jewish American in Space was Judith Resnick in 1984.
(2)  Didn’t even bother to fact check this one.  Just assuming.
(3)  Still Rob and Fab from Mili Vanilli are the sole proprietors of this infamous title.
(4)  Although Jews have won gold medals in most Olympic events, no member of the tribe has won gold while on horseback.  Swimmer Dara Torres has the most Olympic medals for a Jew:  12.
(5)  The Red Hot Chili Peppers have had two Jewish guitarists:  The late Hillel Slovak and current Guitarist Josh Klinghoffer.
(6)  Coach Marv Levy is the only Jewish head coach to lose four Super Bowls—consecutively—with the Buffalo Bills (1991-1994).
(7)  Guaranteed to keep Mel Gibson out of show business forever.
(8)  Pretty Boy Mayweather is undefeated.
(9)  We are pretty sure he is still a virgin.
(10)  The current record is held by non-Jew Joey Chestnut:  78.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Jewish Comedian Spotlight: Lewis Black

lewisblack2On the outside, Lewis Black features a gruff voice, thick-rimmed glasses, and gyrating neck jowls.  On the inside?  Insightful chaos.   Unlike many comedians, Black has shied away from humor intended to shock audiences, but rather leave them walking away with a sense of both irreverence and education.

Straight outta Silver Spring, Maryland, comedian Black epitomizes the word “curmudgeon”.  In his book, “Nothing’s Sacred”, the Jewish-raised comedian chastises the name of the town where he was Bar Mitzvahed in 1961 as lacking both “the seasonal spring” and a “single silver-miner”.  Small irritations such as these have led Black to have an enormous career in comedy that has spanned over thirty years.

His screaming commentary on American politics have been a favorite of Jon Stewart, who has featured Black’s rants countless times on “The Daily Show”.

And for two seasons, Black hosted his own television show on Comedy Central.  “The Root of All Evil”, which aired in 2008, pitted the pros and cons of topics such as Olympic Games vs. Drinking Games, NRA vs. PETA, and High School vs. American Idol.

In this 2008 video of Black at the Sixth and I Historic Synagogue in DC, he describes what it was like to be the first Jew his roommates had ever met at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill: (Warning, language is rated R)

He turns 65 years-old this High Holiday season.  While well-versed in the traditions of Judaism, Black has offered his own sermon for the community:  “There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it’s so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing “Kol Nidre,” one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren’t flying around.”

Perhaps a jazzy Kol Nidre melody would suit Black’s mood better (because despite all of his blood-pressure-raising anger, Black’s music of choice is not thrash metal, but contemporary Jazz.

He is almost always on tour.  Check out Lewis Black’s website for more information:

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Jewish Cartoon Spotlight: Kyle Broflovski from “South Park”

Kyle Broflovski photo courtesy: Comedy CentralOur first Jewish cartoon spotlight, Kyle Broflovski, is one of the four main characters from Comedy Central’s all-time most successful show, South Park.

Kyle has appeared in every episode since South Park first aired in August 1997.   He is distinguished from the other main characters by his green hat and orange winter coat.  Kyle is also modeled after the show’s co-creator Matt Stone who was raised Jew(ish) in Littleton, Colorado.  He sports a Jewfro similar to that of Stone before the stress of 237 episodes left him with a scaled-back do.

That Jewfro gets temporarily coiffed into a Pauly-D style in the show’s fourteenth season, when we learn that Kyle’s Jewish mother is originally from New Jersey.

Gerald Broflovski, Kyle’s father, is an attorney and is always seen wearing a kippah–at home, in the courtroom, and even in the hot tub.

Kyle also has a younger brother Ike, who was born in Canada and adopted into the family.

We get to meet Kyle’s cousin from New York that he can’t stand:  Kyle Schwartz.  Schwartz’ neuroses and raspy voice are likely modeled after Jewish filmmaker Woody Allen.

At all times during the year, a menorah can be seen displayed in the living room of the Broflovski home.

Kyle’s Jewish identity has been featured prominently in several episodes:

“Mr. Hankey” (S1E9)  In the winter of South Park’s first season, Kyle laments feeling ostracized by his town as he sings “It’s Hard to Be a Jew on Christmas”.

“Jewbilee” (S3E9):  Kyle takes his non-Jewish pal Kenny to a Jewish scouting camp.

“The Passion of the Jew” (S8E3):   Kyle confronts Mel Gibson about false depictions of Jewish people in his film, The Passion of the Christ.

“Jewpacabra” (S16E4):  Kyle experiences Passover as his malicious cohort, Eric Cartman claims that the eight-day festival is a threat to Easter egg hunts.

Cartman is Kyle’s primary nemesis on the show.  Often the voice of ignorance, Cartman taunts Kyle and is quick to use Kyle’s religion as a pejorative.  While Cartman’s outlandish and intentionally offensive characterizations of Kyle have become more gratuitous over the years, by the denouement of each episode, Cartman is duly punished for his anti-semetic school-yard slanders.

Kyle and his fellow South Park characters do not age on the show, although they did graduate from third grade to fourth grade in the fourth season.  It might be nice to see what happens when Kyle finally gets Bar Mitzvah-ed.

While there has been no indication of this, we will have to wait and see what adventures Kyle is up to with his buddies when South Park’s 17th season premiers on September 25.

Reruns of South Park are aired every day on Comedy Central.  Also, while it is not on Netflix, you can watch every episode of the show on their official website,

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Alternatives to Celebrating the Royal Baby’s Birth This Week

WillKateBaby_1527748gThe yet-to-be-named Royal Baby is not even a week old, but is already featured in more photographs and news articles than most of Kings and Queens before him combined.  Even a Google search of “royal baby prince william kate middleton” turned up 561 Million results.

Still, roughly 124,657,534 people on this planet had a birthday this week that in some way or another, was overshadowed by news of the birth of the offspring of a British Monarch.

While many people rightfully appreciate the nachas beaming from the faces of new parents Prince William and Kate the Dutchess of Cambridge, many people are irked by the over-hyped spectacle—often citing that the three-day-old Prince will be living a life of nepotistic privilege.

Alas, if you are looking to celebrate the birthday of someone this week, here is a list of people, past and present, who deserve to have a piece of the celebratory cake.

And since this article is being composed for a a Jewish publication, every birthday guy and gal featured is Jewish.  Dayenu.

July 21st Birthday
1903:  Roy Neuberger – Some people bankroll elections, some people bankroll drug cartels.  This guy bankrolled modern art awareness from the 1930s until his death in 2010–yeah, he lived to be 107 years old.

July 22nd Birthday
1947:  Albert Brooks – This Academy Award-nominated voice-over actor has been featured in such prolific works as Finding Nemo  and The Simpsons.  Most recently, Brooks received over 20 nominations and awards from various film festivals for his performance in the film Drive.

July 23rd Birthdays
1971:  Joel Stein –  When he’s not writing a cover story for Time Magazine, you can find his weekly features in the back pages of the famed publication.  The curiously humorous writer also released his first book last year about his adventurous quest to become a more “manly” father:

1973:  Monica Lewinsky – You know the story.

1989:  Daniel Radcliffe – He IS Harry Potter.

July 24th Birthday

1965:  Doug Liman –  This film director has brought us an eclectic variety of features such as the comedy Swingers and the suspenseful thriller, The Bourne Identity

July 25 Birthday
1923:  Estelle Getty – Before she became Sophia on The Golden Girls, the late Estelle Getty performed in Yiddish theater and comedy in the Borscht Belt.

July 26 Birthday
1965:  Jeremy Piven – In addition to playing the hot-headed super agent Ari Gold on the HBO hit series Entourage, Piven self-identifies as a “Jewish Buddhist”.

July 27 Birthday
1972:  Maya Rudolph – This Saturday Night Live was not only the the love interest in a popular Lonely Island digital short, she also got down and dirty in the streets in the 2011 comedy hit, Bridesmaids.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

GTJ Satirist Brian F. – Girl Singing Really Well at Services Just Showing Off

annoying singer liza minelli loud singerAUSTIN, TX – (@The Comedy News) – At around 7:45 PM this past Friday night, congregants sitting in the center pews of Congregation Beth Ra’ash noticed a distracting noise during the opening prayers: the awkwardly loud and polished singing voice of Jill Pearson trumping the mood.

“I knew it was Jill Pearson,” a congregant Jonathan Weinfeurter griped. “Every time I go to services, no matter where I am in the sanctuary, I can hear her staccato voice polluting the air.”

Other congregants note that Jill often chides the service leaders’ performance behind their backs following services. And in addition to looking around mid-song to see if anyone is marveling at her over-produced audible chanting from the pews, Jill also tweets her vocal pride:

“@DayenuDiva613: Adam Levine may got moves like Jagger, but I got a voice like Hachem.”

No congregant could confirm what Jill’s musical training has been—likely due to no decent soul being capable of tolerating her blatant narcissism.

However, a quick Google-search has shown that Jill has been classically trained singer since age 4, has auditioned for season 2 of The Voice, studied at the Julliard School in New York, and even sung the Star Spangled Banner at a Dallas Cowboys football game.

Still, after all of those accolades, Jill still can’t resist the urge to show off her self-proclaimed “voice that flows like wine”, even during modest opportunities such as Shabbat.

It was also reported that the only time during the entire service that Jill’s melodic caterwauling was not heard was during the reciting of the Shemah. It was later revealed that at that time, Jill Instagramming a selfie with her free hand over her eyes, one winking.

Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at, and enjoy his late-night jokes at  Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.