You kiss as much ass with your significant others’ parents as much as you do with your boss.
You spend 25 minutes looking around the house for your reading glasses not realizing that they’re on your face.
You recite jokes that are five paragraph essays.
Your cell phone interrupts the silence before Ha-motzi—and the ringtone is the theme to “Curb Your Enthusiasm”
Most of your stories begin with, “Did I ever tell you about the time…” and before your audience can answer, you tell them for the third or fourth time.
You have no idea what an embarrassing story is.
You wear a hideous adjustable baseball hat with your friends’ company logo on it.
You fall asleep at Major League Baseball games, but only for a few minutes.
At non-Jewish weddings, you complain that there’s too much liquor and not enough food, and that there is no one there to callously estimate how much the whole wedding cost.
You cease to mix self-consciousness with your propensity to sing Rat Pack tunes.
You say, “I don’t need to buy any new clothes, mine still fit and are in style”, despite the fact that you bought them 15 years ago, they have holes, and a plume of dust emits every time someone pats your shoulder.
No matter how perfect the meal is, you always find a reason to complain to the waiter at the restaurant.
You have developed a super power called “the ability to completely tune out nagging”.
When you forget to bring a plastic bag when you’re walking the dog, you shamelessly just use your hands to clean up after the pooch.
You buy a paper copy of the New York Times every day to “keep the gray old lady in business”, even though you own an iPod, iPad, and MacBook.
You fall asleep at Barnes and Nobles while reading Chaim Potok and Mitch Albom books—except the Barnes and Nobles store has been a NikeTown for a year and you’re just passed-out in the middle of a shoe store.
When a salesman tells you the price of a car, the least likely thing you will say is “sounds great, I’ll take it right now!”
You have no inner monologue when it comes to discussing your health issues.
You have been told more than once this week to trim your nose hair.
When your children tell you about a new friend they made, you immediately ask them, “What does their Daddy do?”
You have children and love them as much as you complain about them when you’re taking a schvitz.
Add your own Jewish father signs in the comments!
Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary. You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.