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Ryan Braun Needs a Ride to Synagogue for Yom Kippur After Playoff Game (ARCHIVE STORY-2011)

ryan braun jewish funny jews jewish jokes yom kippur jokes jewish baseball players ryan braun comedy news yom kippur jokes funny news funny news ryan braun sandy koufax baseball playoffs hank greenberg jewish milwaukee brewersBraun:  “Can I Bum a Ride to Shul, Anybody?”

MILWAUKEE, WI – (@TheComedyNews)– Milwaukee Brewers left-fielder Ryan Braun has more than just game 5 of the National League Divisional Series to attend tonight.

Immediately following the game, Braun intends to go to Yom Kippur services at a local Milwaukee synagogue.  However, the All-Star currently has no ride to get from Miller Park to a Temple to repent his sins.

“Can I bum a ride to shul, anybody?”  Called out Braun to tailgaters in the Miller Park parking lot this afternoon.  “Win or lose, I really need someone to drive me to a synagogue!  I really need to repent for my sins!”

The 27-year-old Braun, nicknamed “The Hebrew Hammer” for being both Jewish and one of the top sluggers in baseball, has been in a similar conundrum before.  “This is just like the time my Hebrew school carpool left without me when I was 12,” lamented Braun.  “I was so scared.  And my Mom freaked out and called the police.  I didn’t get home until almost 9:30 PM that night.”

Already wearing his suit and clutching a ‘Gates of Prayer’ book in hand, Braun seemed quite desperate to find a ride.

Braun explained that, in accordance with Jewish Law, he would not drive a car to get to a synagogue for Yom Kippur services.  He fears now that if the Brewers lose their playoff game, no limo driver, taxi driver, friend, or parent in Milwaukee will be happy enough to take the time to drive him to services.  And if the Brewers win, everyone in Milwaukee will be too drunk and slap-happy to get behind the wheel.

***UPDATE***
Braun is currently suspended from Major League Baseball. This year, Braun will get a ride to shul for Yom Kippur from his mom, Diane, who was recently spotted doing some Habitat for Humanity with her Jewish son.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

GTJ Satirist Brian F. – Fiddler in the Vatican: Cardinals Select First Jewish Pope

popVATICAN CITY – (@The Comedy News) – One-hundred-and-fifteen Cardinals have gathered in the Vatican City and selected the first Jewish Pope in the  two-thousand year history of Catholicism.

Woody Allen, a Jewish filmmaker from New York City, has been appointed the replacement for His Holiness Emeritus, Benedict XVI.

Although this is an unprecedented move by the Vatican, the first Pope, St. Peter, had a fairly positive relationship with the Jewish people during his reign, according to primary sources.

The world’s first Jewish Pope has selected his “Pope name”, which will be Pope Portnoy IX.
Pope Portnoy IX could not be reached for comment, because he was deeply engaged in a conversation with his Mother:

“For the last time, Ma, I’m not going to be a doctor,” Pope Portnoy IX screamed into his white iPhone 4S.  “No, Ma.  I’m sure she is a nice girl, but there’s no point in you introducing me.  Well, this new gig I got has some rules, goddammit.”

Pope Portnoy IX’s assistants have released a list of changes that he will embark upon for the remainder of his lifetime appointment as the first Jewish Pope:

  • Midnight Christmas Mass will be relocated from the Vatican to Katz’s Deli.  This will be followed by an early morning Christmas Day Chinese buffet lunch with the local Cardinals, and a Papal Mission to the nearest Regal Cinema.
  • Christmas will now focus less on Jesus’ birth, but rather, more on his Bar Mitzvah, twenty years before his death at age 33.
  • Pope Portnoy IX will donate his elaborate white outfit to charity, and instead wear a 20-year-old suit that spouts a plume of dust whenever a colleague pats him on the shoulder.
  • The trademark over-sized hat will be retired and replaced with a red over-sized Kippah full time.
  • In an Easter/Passover hybrid, the Afikomen will involve having bunnies find a hidden slice of Matzah.
  • The Communion cracker will come with lox and shmear.
  • All sex scandals will now involve Shiksas (18 and older) with tattoos.
  • The Pope Mobile upgraded to something safer, like a Volvo.

Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com.  Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Wanted: Roommate for Big White Beautiful House (rent TBD)

the_white_house_0Roommate wanted for luxurious, fully furnished neo-classical house located smack in the middle of DC!  Just three minutes from the national mall and a mere 2.5 miles away from hip places like Columbia Heights, Dupont, and the U street Corridor!  Seriously guys, this place is huge.  High ceilings, spacious rooms, and big beautiful windows letting in lots of natural light!

About us: My wife and I moved in four years ago with our two daughters and are looking for a chill roommate to help us with rent.  We travel a ton, and mostly just stick to our wing of the house so you won’t have to deal with us too much, but we enjoy sharing the occasional bottle of wine in the blue room if you’re down.  Your bedroom will be on the state floor in the newly constructed East Wing and comes with a queen sized bed, armoire, dresser, closet, chandelier and sconces.  For the most part, the house stays pretty quiet, but occasionally protesters like to make a raucous out front.  In fact, I can hear them screaming something about gun control right now.  Ear plugs.  Problem solved.  Now, if things get a little cray cray, don’t be afraid to head down to the situation room.

Our last roommate liked to rollerskate down the marble halls, while admiring the pre-civil war art collection on the walls.  Though we recognize the temptation to do this, please don’t.  It scratches the floors and they’re not easy to restore, to say the least.

We have a massive front and backyard so if you are into gardening, this place might be a perfect match for you.  I won’t say the grounds cover over 18 acres, but……………………………the grounds cover over 18 acres.  A little excessive, I know, and the cost to maintain it is a downer, but I swear it is worth it and our Christmas tree is huge.

MUST be okay with dogs.  Bo is super friendly and loves everyone, so you must love him back.  He’s kind of an attention whore, so no more pets please.

I feel I should give full disclosure.  This house is old, so history runs deep here.  With great history comes great responsibility, just kidding…what I meant to say was great hauntings.  Unfortunately, the house has been known to have a few stray poltergeists since it was built over a graveyard in 1800.  We only moved the headstones, but forgot to move the bodies…oops.  Anyway, they tend to just hang out in the basement in black rubber suits and lower rent significantly so they are actually a real asset.

Please respond via email with a little bit about yourself.  Try to be as dry and bureaucratic as possible.

Michelle and I are looking forward to a cool new roomie!