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Bob Saget to Play Anthony Weiner in Made-for-TV Movie, “Weinergate”

weinerBiopic Will Show How Job Performance Is Much Less Important Than Personal Life 

QUEENS, NY – (@TheComedyNews) – Actor and comedian Bob Saget has been tapped by Anthony Weiner himself to play the former Congressman in the upcoming made-for-TV movie,“Weinergate”.

Saget, known around the comedy scene for his vulgar and graphic stand-up material, is said to not only look like Anthony Weiner when he wears his contact lenses, but also has the tendency to yell similarly to former Congressman Weiner.

“I invited Bob over to my bungalow in Queens this week, we had a good talk,” describes Weiner, clad in a Mets sleeveless shirt at a Golds Gym.  “Bob proved to me that not only does he basically look like me and have the propensity to drop f-bombs and impress a lot of ladies, he is also a huge proponent of health care reform.”

Weiner also asked Saget to do a health care reform-themed Aristocrats joke at the top of his lungs at some random republican dissidents.  Details of the graphically hilarious partisan rant have not yet been published, but eye-witnesses say some of the topics covered included John Boehner’s tanning lotion, a highway rest-stop toilet, and John Stamos moonlighting as a urologist.

At that point, Weiner was sure that Saget was the man to portray him in a made-for-TV movie.

CBS is set to air the made-for-TV movie on Presidents’ weekend.  Principal photography will begin this weekend in a government-operated locker room.

Although the film is set to be titled, “Weinergate”, the producers are considering renaming the project something more original:

–“Huma’s Cool With It: The Anthony Weiner Story”
–“Congressman Beefcake Goes to the Gym”
–“Cable News Casualties Caught on Tape”
–“No Different Than A Constituent”
–“Life in the I Don’t Give A Fuck Lane”
–“Everybody’s Done It, So Shut Up”
–“How to Be Great At Your Job And Get Forced To Resign Over Shit That Is No One’s Business But Yours”

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Statue of Liberty Celebrates 114th Anniversary of her Bat Mitzvah

stateNEW YORK HARBOR – (@The Comedy News) – Today, the Statue of Liberty will celebrate the 114th anniversary of her Bat Mitzvah.

On Saturday, October 28, 1899, the Statue of Liberty turned 13 years old.  On that day, she read from the Torah as a Jewish rite of passage in front of her family and close friends.

In attendance at Lady Liberty’s Bat Mitzvah was The Great Sphinx traveling from Egypt, Christ the Redeemer from Brazil, Moai from Easter Island, and the entire population of New York City, which around 1900 was 3,437,202 people.    Her first dance at her party after the ceremony was with Michelangelo’s David, who dressed in only a kippah.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Billions of Wild Animals Thrilled about National Park Shutdown

yellYELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY – (@TheComedyNews) – While many people thorughout the United States are furious about being furloughed from their Federal Government jobs, there are billions of animals who are taking their share of joy.

Due to the Federal Government shutdown, all National Parks are closed to tourists, leaving billions of diverse wild animals free of gawking tourists invading their habitats.

“I can hardly remember the last time I was this relaxed”, a Yellowstone Elk rejoiced.  “I’m a three-year-old father of seven.  I used to worry every day that a dumb family from Wisconsin will run over one of my children with their Subaru.  Good riddance!”

A similar sentiment was expressed by Bryant, a two-thousand pound grizzly bear..  “No matter how many people we gore each year, tourists keep coming back.  It’s really annoying.  But just one government shut down and bam!  All intruders to our neighborhood are gone.  Now I can go fishing for lox and dumpster diving without annoying tourists shooting sepia-faded Instagram photos of me.”

In addition to the natural fauna at the closed National Parks, the flora are pretty amused by the lack of tourists and researchers as well.

“Look at me, I’m 5,000 years old,.  Have I been waiting for a time that all the scientists would just fuck off for a few days?”  A Redwood tree in Northern California at the eponymous National Park snapped while smoking a cigarette.  “You bet I have.  You try to germinate while some dork in short shorts and tubesocks takes measurements of your dong.”

Still, there is some wildlife that misses the daily drudge of human contact.

Damien, a Burmese Python at Everglades National Park expressed his insistence that the parks open up to tourists once again.

“It’s not that I enjoy harming humans,” Damien explained.  “Me and my buddies just like to scare the shit out them.  ‘Snake!  Snake!  Snake!'”  Damien mocked.  “Man I miss that shit.”

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Jewish Comedian Spotlight: Lenny Bruce

Lenny+Bruce++3Anyone who has ever ranted to their friends about something they despise, something obscene, something taboo that you just had to get off your chest and broadcast to those around you—- you need to know the story of the legendary Lenny Bruce.  

Born Leonard Alfred Schneider in 1925, Lenny was dead by the age of 40.  And in that short life, he laid the groundwork for the best comedians of the last fifty years.  Jerry Seinfeld, George Carlin, Joan Rivers, Bill Cosby, Jon Stewart—-each has listed Lenny Bruce as an influence.

First, to understand Lenny Bruce’s comedy, you need to have a perspective on what the United States was in the 1940s, 50s, and 60s.  The United States was not politically correct in the way it is today.  It was homogenized.  In the public sphere, there was much deference to authority, the government, properness, and social restraint.  For entertainment, people didn’t go to coffee shops and listen to up-and-coming comedians tell dick jokes.  On television, comedians were not even allowed to say the word “pregnant”.

His early stints in comedy were while he was in the US Navy in the 1940s.  He was kicked out for dressing in drag and being under the suspicion of engaging in homosexual activities.***  Even then, his wit was splashed in the face of authority.

Fourth Officer: “Do you enjoy wearing women’s clothing?”
Lenny: “Sometimes.”
Fourth Officer: “When is that?”
Lenny: “When they fit.”

Lenny made light of his Jewishness as part of his routine.  One of his more famous routines, Jewish vs. Goyish still bites as hard as it did when he first performed it as a master of ceremonies at the slummiest of strip clubs in Los Angeles.

Lenny was also known to skewer politicians on their hypocrisy and vapid personalities, much like Jon Stewart does today.  The big difference?  Lenny was only on television six times.

“I could never visualize Eisenhower even kissing his wife.  Not on the mouth anyway.  He didn’t even go to the toilet either, he just stood there.  He didn’t even go to bed, he just sat up all night, with his clothes on, worrying.”

“And even Nixon–well, he kissed his wife, but on the forehead, and only on Thanksgiving, in front of his in-laws.”

But not everyone was laughing with Lenny.

Anyone who has ever touted their First Amendment right to free speech needs to know the story of the legendary Lenny Bruce. 

It seemed like the government was the only big threat to Lenny.  Still, the audiences were enthralled with his audacity and profane profoundness.

In 1961, Lenny was arrested in San Francisco for obscenity in public.  And by public, it was a comedy show.  Where people go to see people break social norms for sport.  This became a habit for Lenny.

He spent the last four to five years of his life getting arrested for pushing the comedic envelope.  Transcripts of the most entertaining parts of the trials can be found in his wildly amusing autobiography, “How to Talk Dirty and Influence People”. Still, Lenny stood trial, was convicted, and died not long after—way too soon— in 1966.

As a significant side-note, Lenny was a raging heroine addict.  If he got his addiction under control, he would likely still be around today.

The system was out to get him.  In fact, when he died, the police took his pants off and photographed him as a final smite against the guy who taunted their masters so pointedly.

In a time when comedians were telling straight-up jokes, Lenny Bruce made people THINK.  He told stories that made people question the system around them.  In the 1940s, 50s, and 60s, nobody on TV or the radio was talking like that.

Now turn on Comedy Central in the year 2013.  Lenny would fit right in.

***To be fair, Bruce would have been reprimanded for this behavior in 2012.

YOUR HOMEWORK:

Watch Dustin Hoffman’s Academy Award nominated portrayal of Lenny Bruce in the film “Lenny” on Netflix.  

To see the best amateur standup comedy show in Washington, DC, be sure to go to RFD in Chinatown every Thursday at 8:30 PM.  Free.  In the back room.  810 7th St NW  Washington, D.C. 202-289-2030 .

To stay in the loop about the best amateur standup comedy in Washington, D.C. go to https://www.facebook.com/DistrictComedy.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Who Will Be Waiting In Line to Get the New iPhone on Release Day?

iphomOn Friday, September 20, Apple will be releasing an unprecedented two new iPhones— the iPhone 5S and the iPhone 5C.   With pre-orders limited to only the 5C, experts predict massive lines outside Apple retail stores—with some lunatic Apple fans who have already been in line for weeks.

And due to massive supply shortages, many more would-be iPhone buyers will be getting in line in the wee hours of Thursday night and Friday morning to ensure they will have the device by the weekend.

At the same time, many Apple stalwarts will be refraining from waiting in line for the smartphone. We surveyed 1,000 people as to weather they will be waiting in line on the new iPhone release day, and here is what some had to say:

“I WILL wait on line for the new iPhone on release day because…”

  • …it will be a fun reunion for all the friends I made at the iPhone 5 release last year.”
  • “…I’ve been dying to take a fake-sick day.”
  • “…it will be the closest I will ever get to taking a camping trip.”
  • “…a gold iPhone will be the missing piece to the puzzle of losing my virginity by Friday.”
  • “…I have nothing better to do thanks to government furloughs.”
  • “…I have yet to reach my annual Apple spending quota of $1500 per year.”
  • “…sitting outside in the dark of night while playing with my electronics, what can possibly go wrong?”
  • “…I thoroughly enjoy complaining about how tired I am.”
  • “…with a fingerprint-scanner to unlock the thing, I no longer will have to worry about the cops snooping my text messages with my drug dealer.”

“I will NOT wait on line for the new iPhone on release day because…”

  • “…I will be spending my hard-earned $400 at the strip club, thank you very much.”
  • “…my carphone is still alive and kicking it.”
  • “…there’s a new iPhone coming out?  I bought an iPhone 5 yesterday.  Goddammit.”
  • “…I’m still a bit busy occupying Wall Street.”
  • “…I know I will just leave it in a cab like I did with the last one.”
  • “…I have a job, a life, and self-respect.”
  • “…I will probably lose my place in line when I make a dash to the nearest Starbucks bathroom at sunrise.”
  • “…hold on, I’m texting. Will tell you in uno…………..momento. So… What was the question?”

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Jewish Comedian Spotlight: Sarah Silverman

Sarah_Silverman - 2 - Jesus_is_Magic

The term “Jewish comedian” sounds a bit redundant.  Or perhaps it just sounds unnecessary since so many members of the tribe have made a living being a lingual muse.

Either way, 42-year-old comedian Sarah Silverman is ambivalent when it comes to the “Jewish comedian” label.  And for good reason:    Her father was Jewish, her sister Susan is a rabbi, and her last name is SILVERMAN.  And in 2008, Silverman helped orchestrate “The Great Schlep”, which encouraged young Jewish voters to get their Jewish grandparents in South Florida to get off the golf course and vote in the Presidential election.

Still, in an interview with Movieline in 2011, Silverman says “I’m so associated with being Jewish — and I do it myself — but I have no religion. To me it’s cultural, it comes out of my pores. I can’t control it. I wasn’t raised with any religion, I have no religion, but it’s become such a part of me. ‘Jewish comedian Sarah Silverman!’ You know what I mean?”

The “comedian” label needs not much clarification.  A quick look through Silverman’s YouTube videosquotes, or book The Bedwetter, you will see that being a Jewish girl is just one of the countless topics Silverman touches with her pointed prose.

Along the way, Silverman has appeared on almost every late-night talk show since the late 1990s.  In 21 years on the comedy circuit, Silverman has had a part in so many television shows and films that she has proven to be a pretty reliable talent, always ready to work with her fellow comedian pals.

Silverman even had a cameo in the film adaptation of the musical Rent

Profane?  Yes.  Insightful?  Sure  Shocking?  No doubt.  “Jewish comedian”?  The label is distracting.  But Silverman is certainly bright and talented comedian—-a modern-day Lenny Bruce with her hint of Jewishness and hunk of obscenity.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

What North American Schools Have the Largest Jewish Populations?

With Labor Day weekend just around the corner, millions of students in the United States are heading back to class at their respective colleges and universities.

And shortly thereafter, the Jewish students will be interrupting their study sessions, keg parties, football games by attending High Holidays services.

In that spirit, here is a list of which schools in North America have the most Jewish students and largest percentage of the student population that is Jewish.

A few takeaways:

  • University of Florida, University of Central Florida, and University of Maryland have the highest total number of Jewish students, each topping over 5,000.
  • The largest Jewish population at a school west of the Mississippi River is the University of Texas, University of Arizona, and UCLA, each topping over 3,000.
  • The Big Ten Conference is the most Jewish athletic conference represented on the top 60 list, with NorthwesternMaryland (in 2014), Rutgers (in 2014), Penn StateWisconsinMichiganIndianaOhio StateIllinois, and Michigan State, each with over 2,500 Jewish students.

(Facts courtesy of Reform Judaism Magazine and Hillel.  http://bit.ly/17mbO1z)

Full lists here:

private-jewish-schools

public-jewish-schools

jew-schools-percentage

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Go Where No Jew Has Ever Gone Before: Up for Grabs…. Jewish Firsts that Have Yet To Happen

10341509_BG1Jews looking to pad their LinkedIn profiles with accomplishments still have a wide field of opportunity to become the first Jew to do something.Here’s a list of ten things you can still be the “first Jew” to do:

  • First Jew to walk on the moon.  (1)
  • First Jew to be President of the University of Notre Dame. (2)
  • First Jew to get stripped of a Grammy.  (3)
  • First Jew to win a gold medal in the equestrian events at the Summer Olympics. (4)
  • First Jew to play bass for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  (5)
  • First Jew to lose five Super Bowls as head coach.  (6)
  • First Jew to play a villain opposite Mel Gibson in a Lethal Weapon movie.  (7)
  • First Jew to defeat Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring.  (8)
  • First Jew to sleep with Pauly Shore.  (9)
  • First Jew to eat 80 matzo balls in 8 minutes.  (10)

FOOTNOTES

(1)  Although a Jew has yet to walk on the Moon, the first Jewish American in Space was Judith Resnick in 1984.
(2)  Didn’t even bother to fact check this one.  Just assuming.
(3)  Still Rob and Fab from Mili Vanilli are the sole proprietors of this infamous title.
(4)  Although Jews have won gold medals in most Olympic events, no member of the tribe has won gold while on horseback.  Swimmer Dara Torres has the most Olympic medals for a Jew:  12.
(5)  The Red Hot Chili Peppers have had two Jewish guitarists:  The late Hillel Slovak and current Guitarist Josh Klinghoffer.
(6)  Coach Marv Levy is the only Jewish head coach to lose four Super Bowls—consecutively—with the Buffalo Bills (1991-1994).
(7)  Guaranteed to keep Mel Gibson out of show business forever.
(8)  Pretty Boy Mayweather is undefeated.
(9)  We are pretty sure he is still a virgin.
(10)  The current record is held by non-Jew Joey Chestnut:  78.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Jewish Comedian Spotlight: Lewis Black

lewisblack2On the outside, Lewis Black features a gruff voice, thick-rimmed glasses, and gyrating neck jowls.  On the inside?  Insightful chaos.   Unlike many comedians, Black has shied away from humor intended to shock audiences, but rather leave them walking away with a sense of both irreverence and education.

Straight outta Silver Spring, Maryland, comedian Black epitomizes the word “curmudgeon”.  In his book, “Nothing’s Sacred”, the Jewish-raised comedian chastises the name of the town where he was Bar Mitzvahed in 1961 as lacking both “the seasonal spring” and a “single silver-miner”.  Small irritations such as these have led Black to have an enormous career in comedy that has spanned over thirty years.

His screaming commentary on American politics have been a favorite of Jon Stewart, who has featured Black’s rants countless times on “The Daily Show”.

And for two seasons, Black hosted his own television show on Comedy Central.  “The Root of All Evil”, which aired in 2008, pitted the pros and cons of topics such as Olympic Games vs. Drinking Games, NRA vs. PETA, and High School vs. American Idol.

In this 2008 video of Black at the Sixth and I Historic Synagogue in DC, he describes what it was like to be the first Jew his roommates had ever met at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o1SwGK8Gf4 (Warning, language is rated R)

He turns 65 years-old this High Holiday season.  While well-versed in the traditions of Judaism, Black has offered his own sermon for the community:  “There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it’s so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing “Kol Nidre,” one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren’t flying around.”

Perhaps a jazzy Kol Nidre melody would suit Black’s mood better (because despite all of his blood-pressure-raising anger, Black’s music of choice is not thrash metal, but contemporary Jazz.

He is almost always on tour.  Check out Lewis Black’s website for more information:  http://lewisblack.com/.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Jewish Cartoon Spotlight: Kyle Broflovski from “South Park”

Kyle Broflovski photo courtesy: Comedy CentralOur first Jewish cartoon spotlight, Kyle Broflovski, is one of the four main characters from Comedy Central’s all-time most successful show, South Park.

Kyle has appeared in every episode since South Park first aired in August 1997.   He is distinguished from the other main characters by his green hat and orange winter coat.  Kyle is also modeled after the show’s co-creator Matt Stone who was raised Jew(ish) in Littleton, Colorado.  He sports a Jewfro similar to that of Stone before the stress of 237 episodes left him with a scaled-back do.

That Jewfro gets temporarily coiffed into a Pauly-D style in the show’s fourteenth season, when we learn that Kyle’s Jewish mother is originally from New Jersey.

Gerald Broflovski, Kyle’s father, is an attorney and is always seen wearing a kippah–at home, in the courtroom, and even in the hot tub.

Kyle also has a younger brother Ike, who was born in Canada and adopted into the family.

We get to meet Kyle’s cousin from New York that he can’t stand:  Kyle Schwartz.  Schwartz’ neuroses and raspy voice are likely modeled after Jewish filmmaker Woody Allen.

At all times during the year, a menorah can be seen displayed in the living room of the Broflovski home.

Kyle’s Jewish identity has been featured prominently in several episodes:

“Mr. Hankey” (S1E9)  In the winter of South Park’s first season, Kyle laments feeling ostracized by his town as he sings “It’s Hard to Be a Jew on Christmas”.

“Jewbilee” (S3E9):  Kyle takes his non-Jewish pal Kenny to a Jewish scouting camp.

“The Passion of the Jew” (S8E3):   Kyle confronts Mel Gibson about false depictions of Jewish people in his film, The Passion of the Christ.

“Jewpacabra” (S16E4):  Kyle experiences Passover as his malicious cohort, Eric Cartman claims that the eight-day festival is a threat to Easter egg hunts.

Cartman is Kyle’s primary nemesis on the show.  Often the voice of ignorance, Cartman taunts Kyle and is quick to use Kyle’s religion as a pejorative.  While Cartman’s outlandish and intentionally offensive characterizations of Kyle have become more gratuitous over the years, by the denouement of each episode, Cartman is duly punished for his anti-semetic school-yard slanders.

Kyle and his fellow South Park characters do not age on the show, although they did graduate from third grade to fourth grade in the fourth season.  It might be nice to see what happens when Kyle finally gets Bar Mitzvah-ed.

While there has been no indication of this, we will have to wait and see what adventures Kyle is up to with his buddies when South Park’s 17th season premiers on September 25.

Reruns of South Park are aired every day on Comedy Central.  Also, while it is not on Netflix, you can watch every episode of the show on their official website, www.southparkstudios.com.

Brian Fishbach is a writer and comedian.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at http://www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at http://www.BrianFishbach.com. Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.