What Broad City Teaches Us About Next Level Friendship

I don’t watch nearly enough TV to know for sure, but it’s hard to imagine there’s a better pair of friends on-screen right now than Broad Citys Ilana and Abbi. So with the new season starting tonight (9/13), and with the High Holidays just a week away, I figured it’s a good time to address the topic of friendships.

Given the importance of friendships (the Talmud says: “friendship or death”), it’s surprising how rarely we reflect on our relationships with friends – what qualities we look for in a friend, what we expect from a friendship, how we can deepen a friendship, how we can be a better friend, etc.

We spend a lot of time thinking about friends as “possessions” – the ones we have, the ones we no longer have, the ones we wish we had – and less time on what it means to be a friend. We often focus more on quantity of friends than quality of friendships.

Quantity isn’t really a Jewish value when it comes to friendship. As Ethics of our Fathers states: “Acquire a friend for yourself.” Just one is sufficient. But what about quality? Thanks in part to Facebook, the word “friend” has lost a lot of its meaning. Besides, there are different tiers of friends. (“Best friend is not a person, it’s a tier.” – Mindy Kaling.) So, what type of friend must we acquire?  

via GIPHY

Based on this idea from Ethics of our Fathers, Maimonides, arguably the most famous Jewish philosopher, explains that there are three types of friends:

1) a friend with benefits (yup, he actually uses that term)

2) a pleasant friend

3) a friend for the good

He explains that friends with benefits, or “useful friends,” are like business partners. They each do something for the other in this transactional relationship. As it says in Ecclesiastes (4:9-10): “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falls, for he has not another to help him up.” While we associate “friends with benefits” to a particular type of relationship today, sadly, this may describe more of our friendships than we’d like to admit.

Pleasant friends, the second tier according to Maimonides, “inspire full confidence, so that you do not need to be reserved with them in action or in speech. Rather, you will be able to reveal to them all your concerns, the good and the ugly, without fear that it will bring you harm before them or anyone else. For when one achieves this level of confidence in another person, s/he will discover great pleasantness in speaking with that person and the intimacy of that friendship.” This perfectly captures the friendship of Abbi and Ilana, and it describes the type of friendship we crave for in a society that obstructs intimacy.

But interestingly, there is a higher tier than this – “friends for the good” – and this is the type of friend that Maimonides believes we should acquire. He describes this type of friend as follows:

When both friends yearn for and are directed toward one goal, namely, the good. Each one will want to be helped by the other in achieving that good for both of them together… This kind of friendship is like the friendship that a teacher feels for a student and a student feels for a teacher.

As opposed to the second tier, which is defined by absolute acceptance, this higher-level friend pushes and challenges the other to grow. This type of friendship requires honest communication and receptivity to hard truths. It might not be as fun, or as “pleasant,” but it does move us toward greater self-actualization.

This top-tier of friendship is not easy to build or maintain. Many of us may not even want it; growth is painful, and maintaining a second-tier friendship is hard enough (especially when your friend, like Ilana, wants it to also be a “friends with benefits” relationship). But, as we head into the high holidays -traditionally a time for self-reflection – next week, it’s worth considering who pushes us to be our best selves. If you don’t have such a person, perhaps it’s time to acquire a top-tier friend for yourself.

 

The views and opinions expressed in this blog and on this website are solely those of the original authors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the organization GatherDC, the GatherDC staff, the GatherDC board, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

When Fasting and Praying Becomes Distracting and Weighing

Two years ago, I wrote about how American Jews tend to overemphasize fasting and synagogue on Yom Kippur – tools that help some people connect to the purpose of the day but for many others have the opposite effect. Often, fasting and formal prayer end up being a distraction. X number of hours until the fast is over. X number of pages until the service is over. X number of tiles on the ceiling of the synagogue.

Inspired by the desire to shift the focus toward the actual meaning of Yom Kippur, this year I’ll be leading an alternative Yom Kippur experience. My goal isn’t only to challenge people to reflect on why we do the things we do on Yom Kippur. It’s also to make Judaism more accessible by prioritizing personal meaning over uniform practice.

Of course, it’s not inherently either-or. With a lot of study, a traditional Yom Kippur practice can be very personally powerful. But the meaning that comes from these practices is not self-evident and doesn’t just happen experientially. Therefore, most Jews – who have not spent years learning Hebrew, exploring the background of the prayers, and studying the intention behind fasting – wind up choosing unfamiliar and unhelpful practices without realizing there is another option.

These practices – intended as means to an end – have become the end. The path, for many, has become a roadblock. Shouldn’t there be another option for people who still want to address the themes of the day?

Yet, I’ve received some pushback regarding this idea. Why do some Jews give so much weight to the means? My sense is that there are two main reasons.

The first is that there is something powerful about knowing that Jews across the world are all engaged in the same practice, like fasting or praying in synagogue. Acknowledging that shared practices don’t work for everyone potentially threatens this feeling of unity and peoplehood.

But engaging with the purpose of Yom Kippur does not need to threaten that experience of unity and peoplehood. In fact, that can become the new unifier. I believe it is equally powerful, if not more so, knowing that Jews across the world are all meaningfully reflecting on their lives – even if that reflection takes on a variety of different forms – doing what needs to be done to rectify their past mistakes and commit themselves to be better in the year ahead.

The second reason people may be afraid to let go of prayer and fasting is a fear of shedding what makes us uniquely Jewish. Without those practices, do we just become regular humans engaged in ordinary reflection?

But that represents a misunderstanding of what makes Judaism unique. While we do have unique practices, we also have a unique calendar, history, and culture with unique texts, perspectives, and wisdom. The void caused by letting go of a unique practice that isn’t working may be filled by another unique aspect of our identity that is more personally resonant.

Besides, what ultimately matters on Yom Kippur is not what makes us unique, but rather what makes us human. Highlighting the importance of having unique Jewish practices will distract us from the more fundamental human questions we should be asking ourselves on Yom Kippur. Questions like “Am I living the life I want to be living?” “How can I bring more love into the world?” and “Where have I messed up?”

What is Yom Kippur really about? I’m afraid we’ve spent too much time fasting and praying to properly explore this question. Will you find a personally meaningful answer at a beer garden? Maybe. Maybe not. But, if you’ve been to a bar more than you’ve been to a synagogue this past year, then it might not be a bad place to start.

Click here to sign up for GatherDC’s Alternative Yom Kippur on Saturday, September 30.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog and on this website are solely those of the original authors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the organization GatherDC, the GatherDC staff, the GatherDC board, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

How Jewish are the Religions in Game of Thrones?

Warning: this article includes spoilers, plot points and lines of dialogue from Game of Thrones episodes, through the most recent one on August 20th. But, like, you should be caught up by now.

While there are a few articles that highlight the Jewish trivia related to Game of Thrones (example: its two creators are both Jewish), I haven’t seen any article analyzing the actual religious content of the show as it relates to Judaism. With around 20 unique religions in the GoT world, this task is too much to take on in one rabbi rant. But in honor of the season seven finale coming up this Sunday, I thought I’d rank the show’s six religions that seem the most “Jewish.”

#6 – The Old Gods of the Forest

At first glance, this religion isn’t very Jewish. First of all, it involves many gods. Also, praying is centered on trees with a face carved into the bark. This type of tree-based idol worship is explicitly prohibited in… (gotta love the timing here!…) this week’s Torah portion: “Do not plant an asheira (an idolatrous tree) of any kind of tree beside the altar of the Lord your God.” (Deut. 16:21). As Maimonides explains: “This was an idolatrous practice; they planted trees near their altars so that people should gather around it.” (6:9).

Still, there are some resemblances to Judaism. Both place a strong value on welcoming guests – “the guest right,” as it’s known in this religion, or as it’s known in Judaism, hachnasat orchim. This is part of why the Red Wedding was such a terrible crime: “Walder Frey committed sacrilege that day. He shared bread and salt with theStarks. He offered them guest right. The gods will have their vengeance…” (04×03). Also, the idea of going out into the woods to meditate more or less resembles the chassidic practice of hitbodedut. And apparently the old gods are felt in the gentle breeze (01×08), which is reminiscent of Elijah’s encounter with God: “There was a great and mighty wind, splitting mountains and shattering rocks by the power of Adonai; but God was not in the wind. After the wind–an earthquake; but God was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake–fire; but God was not in the fire. And after the fire–a still, small voice.” (I Kings 19:11-12)

 

#5 – The Hound’s “Religion”

It’s not clear what, if anything, Sandor Clegane believes in. But one touching moment in the first episode of season seven reveals that he has not only a heart but perhaps a religion too.

When the Hound comes across the dead bodies of the farmer and daughter who had hosted him three seasons earlier, he feels compelled to bury them. Something about that whole scene felt extremely Jewish to me. First, the very impulse to not wait until morning to bury them is straight out of the Talmud: “Anyone who leaves his deceased overnight without burying him transgresses a prohibition.” (BT Tractate Sanhedrin 46a). Second, despite being a man of few words, he feels the need to eulogize them. This reflects the Jewish obligation to eulogize the dead, as it says: It is a great commandment to eulogize the dead person appropriately. And the commandment is to raise one’s voice to say over the departed things that break the heart, so that there will be much crying” (SA Yoreh De’eah 344:1). I know anyone who watched that scene is with me on this one – mission accomplished, Sandor, mission accomplished.

More generally, the Hound surprisingly seems to model true teshuva – repentance. In season 6, episode 8, Beric Dondarrion tells him, “You can still help a lot more than you’ve harmed, Clegane. It’s not too late for you.” This echoes Maimonides’ description of teshuva: “Even a person who was wicked his whole life and repented in his final moments will not be reminded of any aspect of his wickedness” (1:3). Or, if you’re looking for a similar sentiment through more Games-of-Thronesian language: “Even if a sharp sword rests upon a person’s neck, he should not prevent himself from praying for mercy.” (BT Tractate Berachot 10a). This idea, that it’s never too late, is a powerful message as we enter the month of Elul (which begins today) and start our own teshuva process. And it’s one that the Hound has internalized, transforming from a nihilist to someone who lives for a purpose.

 

#4 – The Faith of the Seven

Judaism loves the number seven, representing wholeness and holiness (examples: shabbat, number of blessings at a wedding, number of days of shiva, etc.)… but not when it comes to number of Gods.

On the surface, the biggest similarity seems to be the focus of both religions on guilt. But shame is different than guilt, a distinction that Rabbi Jonathan Sacks explains nicely:

In shame cultures, what matters is the judgment of others. Acting morally means conforming to public roles, rules and expectations. You do what other people expect you to do. You follow society’s conventions. If you fail to do so, society punishes you by subjecting you to shame, ridicule, disapproval, humiliation and ostracism. In guilt cultures what matters is not what other people think but what the voice of conscience tells you. Living morally means acting in accordance with internalised moral imperatives: “You shall” and “You shall not.” What matters is what you know to be right and wrong.

The Faith of the Seven is clearly a shame culture, while Judaism is a guilt culture. Nevertheless, there are still many parallels between these two religions. Both feel “institutional” – with similar frameworks of clergy, laws, and trials. They also both have similar rituals around lifecycle events, such as weddings and funerals. For example, each partner at a “Seven” wedding recites the line: “I am his/hers and she/he is mine,” which is almost an exact translation from the classic Song of Songs line recited at many Jewish weddings: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” (6:3). They both emphasize faith over material possessions, as it says: “Who is rich? One who is happy with his portion.”  Finally, they both have the concept of communal prayer – with a similar focus on atonement and mercy. So while the Faith of the Seven resembles a more old-school, formal Judaism that we may not connect to, it certainly looks familiar.

 

#3 – The Many-Faced God of Death

Now we’re getting closer. Unlike most religions in GoT, this is a monotheistic religion like Judaism. But even if it’s one God, it’s a God with “many faces.” Surely that is an idolatrous idea antithetical to Judaism… or so you might think! That is, until you come across this incredible text about the moment of Divine Revelation to the people of Israel at Mount Sinai: “Rabbi Levi said: The Holy One appeared to them as though God were a statue with faces on every side” (Pesikta de Rav Kahana 12:25). Turns out this idea of a “many-faced” God is rooted in our traditional sources.

There are also two key aspects of this religion that resemble Judaism. The first is the idea that we only say one thing to death: “Not today” (01×06). This is more or less the idea articulated at the end of the Torah: “I have set before thee life and death, the blessing and the curse; therefore choose life.” (Deut. 30:19). Second is the ideal of being “no one.” While self-negation, known as bitul, is not a Jewish practice most people are familiar with, it was indeed championed by many musar and chassidic masters. For example: “A person must nullify himself completely before God… Everything must be nullified as if he is nothing and zero before God” (Netivot Shalom, Parshat Tezaveh). The spiritual motivation behind this practice is that, by reducing our own self, we can become more intimately connected to God. If you’re interested, maybe the House of Black and White should be the next on your spiritual journey. Though I hear it’s hard to get in.

 

#2 – Daenerys Stormborn’s “Religion”

It seems Dany doesn’t have a religion. “Do you know what kept me standing through all those years in exile? Faith. Not in any gods. Not in myths and legends. In myself” (07×03). But still, there is something deeply Jewish about holding onto faith in returning during many years of painful exile. As it says in Israel’s national anthem “Hatikva,” about the Jewish people’s return from exile: “Our hope is not yet lost, it is two thousand years old.” As Jon tells Dany (07×04), she is able to make “something impossible happen.” This is the story of the Jewish people’s improbable survival against all odds.

Also, one of her many titles is “breaker of chains.” Similar language is used by the Prophet Isaiah in a subversive passage that we read on Yom Kippur: “This is the fast that I desire: to loosen the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?” (Isaiah 58:6). As someone vehemently against slavery and any form of oppression and unjust law, she is a perfect expression of the type of religiosity that Isaiah demands of us. So while she doesn’t avow a particular faith, her value system may be the best expression of Judaism’s core principles and values.

 

#1 – The Lord of Light

OK, so the whole child sacrifice thing isn’t Jewish – in fact, it is the worst sin condemned several times throughout the Bible, as in: “They have built the high places of Baal to burn their sons in the fire as offerings to Baal—something I did not command or mention, nor did it enter my mind” (Jeremiah 19:5). RIP, Shireen.

Still, Judaism and this religion share a mutual belief in “the one true god” and a mutual love of burning down false idols, as in: “You must tear down their altars, smash their pillars, and cut down their sacred posts; for you must not worship any other god” (Exodus 34:13). Also, the belief in the coming of “the Prince that Was Promised” sounds a lot like the Jewish belief in the Messiah. As in Jewish history (see: Shabbtai Zvi), this can lead to “false Messiahs” like Stannis.

There are many other similarities between the two religions – the idea of a commanding God, the prominence of prophecies, the acknowledgment that the night is dark and full of terrors (see Psalms 91:5: “You will not fear the terror of night”). But the clearest articulation of its belief system, and where its similarity to Judaism is most pronounced, came from Beric Dondarrion in the most recent episode (07×06):

“[I’m fighting for] life. Death is the enemy. The first enemy and the last… We can defend those who can’t defend themselves”

This is a perfect distillation of Judaism. It goes a step further than the “not today” attitude of the followers of the Many-Faced God; this isn’t just about personally choosing life. This is about a religion that is centered around the promotion of life. Amazingly, we see almost identical language from Rabbi Irving Greenberg in his description of Judaism (The Jewish Way, p. 182 – 183):

“Judaism is a religion of life against death… In a world growing toward life, death is a “contradiction” to God, who is pure life. In the end, therefore, death must be overcome. “God will destroy death forever. My Lord God will wipe the tears away from every face.” (Isaiah 25:8). Judaism’s ultimate dream then, is to vanquish death totally… Death is treated as the enemy.”

At its core, Judaism is about promoting life and human dignity, not just for ourselves, but especially for “those who can’t defend themselves.”


Could Game of Thrones be more Jewish? Of course. (Just think: dragons lighting a big menorah, Hot Pie baking delicious challah, Samwell Tarly getting into an argument with the Maesters over a Talmudic text…)

But with so many different religions featured prominently in the show, it’s hard for this rabbi not to see the Jewish parallels. Were they intended by George R.R. Martin? Probably not. But I’m still holding out hope that Dany is Jewish. And if things don’t work out with her and Jon… I’m around.

Do you disagree with my analysis? With my ranking? Did I miss other Jewish connections? Other ideas for how Game of Thrones could be more Jewish? Feel free to share in the comments below. Just no trolling, or you’ll pay the iron price.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog and on this website are solely those of the original authors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the organization GatherDC, the GatherDC staff, the GatherDC board, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

Rabbi Rant: Trolling Tevye

There’s no debate – Fiddler on the Roof is part of the Jewish American canon. It’s given us a classic story, many popular songs and two dance moves that aren’t the Hora – the Bottle Dance and the Tevye Shimmy.

But it’s also given us a terrible metaphor for Judaism.

“A fiddler on the roof – sounds crazy, no? In our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof, trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn’t easy.”

These are the very first lines of the movie, spoken by Tevye in the opening song “Tradition”. So, being Jewish is crazy. And dangerous. And it isn’t easy. OK, not a great sales pitch for Judaism.

But surely there must be some benefits to fiddling on the roof…otherwise we’d just get down from there, no?

“You may ask, why do we stay up there if it’s so dangerous? We stay because Anatevka is our home.”

That’s the pitch?! We stay, not because we gain anything by being on the roof, but because that’s what we’re used to and we don’t want to leave? Habitual Judaism: do it, because that’s what you do.

Maybe there wasn’t a need to articulate reasons for staying on the roof back in the day, when Judaism was so ingrained that “leaving” would have been extremely difficult in the rare instances when it was even an option.

But Judaism does not play the same role for most American Jews today. For those on the roof, seeing how easy it is to leave, the “it’s your routine” argument doesn’t suffice as a reason to stay. Besides, most of us aren’t on the roof at all – we’re on the ground floor deciding whether climbing up is worth the effort, sacrifice and risk. We need the case for engaging, not the case for staying.

So, why fiddle on the roof? Tevye has only one word for an answer: tradition!

“You may ask, how did this tradition start? I’ll tell you… I don’t know. But it’s a tradition.”

This may be a funny joke, but it reflects an uninspired relationship with Judaism. Tradition without explanation is arbitrary and empty. It’s the routine argument all over again, except, instead of it being what you’re used to doing, it’s what previous generations were used to doing. Just because someone did something 200 years ago doesn’t mean it has inherent meaning. We believe in the idea of progress precisely because we don’t believe that the way things were is necessarily the way things should be. Tradition for tradition’s sake is not a value, and it’s certainly not a foundation upon which to build a Jewish identity.

Maybe it’s not fair to give Tevye this burden of representing an inspired Judaism. His character wasn’t intended as a model of the ideal Jew. Still, whether by causation or coincidence, his understanding of Judaism as something that is important because it’s old, not because it’s relevant, is shared by many American Jews today.

While this may have provided Tevye with sufficient motivation to stay, it certainly isn’t a compelling reason for us to engage today. We need to find a new metaphor. To do that, we’re going to have to put the fiddle down and get off the roof.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog and on this website are solely those of the original authors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the organization GatherDC, the GatherDC staff, the GatherDC board, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

Rabbi Rant: Jewish Intersectionality

Once again, American Jews are at the center of a conversation about intersectionality.

For those less familiar: intersectionality, as described by Nathan Heller, is “a theory, originating in black feminism, that sees identity-based oppression operating in crosshatching ways. Encountering sexism as a white, Ivy-educated, middle-class woman in a law office, for example, calls for different solutions than encountering sexism as a black woman working a minimum-wage job.”

This theory, in theory, provides a more nuanced way of looking at oppression through the lens of multiple, intersecting identities. It’s a framework that reminds us not to reduce people to any one identity. Yet it has led to very unnuanced ways of thinking – forcing complex identities into an oppressor/oppressed binary and demanding a total consensus on that categorization.

This reductionist form of intersectionality is often applied to the American Jewish identity, which becomes reduced to oppressor (Jew = Zionist = Oppressor) and is thus unwelcome in social justice spaces. We saw this play out most recently just a couple of weeks ago when three people carrying rainbow flags with Jewish stars were asked to leave the Chicago Dyke March.

As in past instances, this led to a litany of counterarguments that Judaism doesn’t necessarily mean Zionism or that Zionist doesn’t necessarily mean oppressor, along with the subsequent debate addressing the degree to which those conflations amount to anti-Semitism.

These responses are important, but they ignore a broader logical flaw that is incorrectly associated with intersectionality. If all oppression is interconnected, the flawed logic goes, then fighting to end one example of oppression requires that we all agree on and speak out about all examples of oppression. And if you are an oppressor in one realm, then you are de facto an oppressor in every realm.

But the interconnectedness of oppression does not mean all oppression should be lumped together, nor does it mean anyone is defined solely by any one oppressive belief. In fact, a proper understanding of intersectionality leads to the exact opposite conclusion. Each instance of oppression, like each person, is a unique and complex combination of different factors and components. The challenge is in being able to simultaneously hold both truths – that different forms of oppression are interrelated and distinct.

Even if Jew = Zionist = Oppressor (it doesn’t), that should not exclude Jews from all spaces that advocate for the rights of others. Belief in one cause does not require a belief in all causes; being considered an oppressor on one issue should not prohibit one from being an ally on another issue.

Yet many social justice movements today seem to be demanding uniformity of thought. They are making the same mistake that was first recorded in the story of Babel.

In chapter 11 of Genesis, we are told that “everyone on Earth had the same language and the same words.” They came together to build a tower, but God disapproved and scattered them across the earth. Why did God disapprove? One interpretation is that their mistake was in coming together with “the same words” – silencing disagreement and forcing a complete consensus. And so God disperses the people, perhaps to teach us: enforcing ideological uniformity and eliminating difference is not how you build coalitions.

The defense of Judaism and Zionism is important. But that shouldn’t distract us from working on other social justice issues, such as queer rights. We do not need to agree on everything to work together on something.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog and on this website are solely those of the original authors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the organization GatherDC, the GatherDC staff, the GatherDC board, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

Rabbi Rant: Intermarriage Isn’t Good, Or Bad

The conversation in the Jewish community around intermarriage is extremely polarized and seriously lacking nuance.

One side wonders, “How are we still talking about this?” To them, the idea of telling someone to only marry Jewish is antiquated and even racist.

The other side thinks, “Those who are intermarried have rejected Judaism and are actively contributing to its destruction.”

Both are wrong.

For some Jews, Judaism is a central, if not the primary, piece of their identity. For them, wanting to marry someone who shares their values, traditions, worldview, etc. is certainly not racist. In fact, it’s actually a good idea. Data suggests that children of intermarriages are far less likely to raise their children Jewish. If building a Jewish home is extremely important to you, you should probably marry someone Jewish.

For other Jews, Judaism might not be as primary. For them, finding a loving partner is more important than concerns of Jewish continuity. This doesn’t mean they don’t care about Judaism or that they aren’t committed to building a Jewish home. It certainly doesn’t mean that they are rejecting their Judaism. It simply means that they prioritize romantic connection over religious affiliation, and it’s perfectly reasonable for these Jews not to limit themselves to a Jewish partner.

Will any particular interfaith couple successfully raise a Jewish family? That depends on many factors, including: Is the Jewish partner able to share Judaism with the non-Jewish partner? How does the non-Jewish partner relate to Judaism? Does the non-Jewish partner actively practice another faith? Does the couple actively talk about religious differences? Do they have a plan for how they will incorporate Judaism into their home?

These are important factors for those who are in (or looking to be in) a serious relationship to consider. There is no guaranteed formula for successfully building a Jewish home or raising a Jewish family, though depending on the answers to these questions, couples will have an easier or harder time navigating their differences. What’s important is acknowledging that intermarried couples are not a homogenous bunch. It doesn’t make sense to have a blanket view on intermarriage – you cannot draw conclusions about people’s connection to Judaism without knowing their backgrounds or the complexities of their particular relationships.

I’ve become much less interested in the question of whether one should date or marry Jewish. By focusing on the act of intermarriage, we ignore the far more significant questions: what role does Judaism play in your life, and what do you want your Judaism to look like in a romantic relationship? Though our answers may evolve over time, we don’t have to wait for a relationship to address these questions. They are arguably the most important Jewish questions we will ever ask ourselves.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog and on this website are solely those of the original authors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the organization GatherDC, the GatherDC staff, the GatherDC board, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

Rabbi Rant: Struggling with Spirituality

I got trolled last week.

I’m not sharing this news because I want your pity. (If anything, I’m bragging about it – if you’re getting trolled you must be doing something right.)

I’m sharing this because it led me to an important realization.

The troll was reacting to a story I told about six months ago (as the saying goes: “better troll late than never”) where I questioned my own relationship with keeping kosher. I struggle with the costs of adhering to such a strict eating practice, and wondered aloud whether this is really what God intended.

The troll responded with his own question: “While we should support all those who are struggling spiritually, is this the type of behavior we expect from our Orthodox spiritual leaders?”  I know this was intended rhetorically, but I think it’s actually a legitimate question.

Is there no room for religious leaders to struggle spiritually? Do rabbis need to have it all figured out?

For many Jews, the answer seems to be: yes. While the standards and expectations differ, Jews across denominations want their rabbis to be “more Jewish” than they are, to uphold the most ideal version of their type of Judaism.

This desire is symptomatic of what happens when we outsource Judaism (and of the problematic ways we understand what it means to be “more Jewish”). We don’t want Judaism to die, but we’re also not going to live our own lives in a way that ensures its survival. To assuage ourselves of the guilt of not living out a sustainable Judaism, we look to the rabbi with a sigh of relief. “Phew. At least someone is making sure Judaism continues.”

And we don’t only do this with rabbis. Less observant Jews often do this with Orthodox Jews, too. “I don’t want to keep all these rules, but I’m glad someone is doing it to keep Judaism going.”

I’m the last person to lay on the guilt of Jewish continuity; I think emphasizing Jewish survival is the best way to guarantee that the Judaism that survives will be completely uninspired.

But I do think outsourcing Judaism creates a double standard that prevents us from asking ourselves the hard questions about our own relationship with Judaism. If you think your rabbi should believe in God, why don’t you think you should believe in God? If you think Jared Kushner shouldn’t fly on a plane on shabbat, why can you?

When we can finally begin to hold ourselves to the same standards as those to whom we outsource our Judaism, we might realize just how arbitrary or irrelevant those external standards are. Instead of hoping that someone somewhere else perpetuates a Judaism that you don’t connect to, try to find the things about Judaism you do connect to personally. The best way to keep Judaism alive is to keep it alive within you.

I know many people want me, as a rabbi, to have the answers. Or at least to act like I do. But I don’t. So I’m going to continue to model authentic wrestling with my Judaism. I hope that wrestling inspires others to live a more dynamic religious life. Afterall, it’s what I seek for myself. Trolls and all.

Rabbi Rant: Because I Said So

I remember the biggest temper tantrum I ever had. I was about 5 years old at a baseball game at Wrigley Field. In front of me was a lady with a big bag of peanut M&Ms, and I wanted to ask her if I could have a few. My parents said I couldn’t, and when I asked why, they gave me the answer that set me into a rage: “Because I said so.”

That classic parental go-to has exasperated children since way back when. We count down the days to adulthood when we can free ourselves from the shackles of their controlling and arbitrary ways.

So when it comes to Judaism, how do I react when told that something should matter “because God said so?” I revert to my five-year-old self at Wrigley Field, demanding a better explanation (with slightly less crying).

Few, if any of us, accept that type of religious justification. This makes connecting to the holiday of Shavuot, a day we celebrate receiving the Torah, particularly challenging. Whereas other holidays are less focused on the divine, it would seem the Torah’s significance is inextricably tied to it. We should care about the Torah because God wrote it. Once you bring God into it, there’s really no further explanation needed.

But this is a lazy approach to Judaism, and living a thoughtful Jewish life requires more thoughtful answers to basic questions like “Why care about the Torah?” “God said so” is not a full answer. (It begs the follow-up question: “But why would God say so?”) And it’s only one answer. There are many other compelling answers that aren’t rooted in God at all. (I shared 3 last year.)

Shavuot is a time to ask yourself what the Torah means to you, to entertain the possibility that it has meaning outside of its author / religious authority. It might be that those answers are equally non-compelling. At the very least, we can share some dairy desserts together. I know cheesecake is the classic choice, but I’m going to be enjoying a big bag of peanut M&Ms.

Rabbi Rant – Proud, Jewish and Disconnected? Beyond the Tent Might be the Answer

You don’t have to look very hard to find an excuse for not wanting to connect Jewishly.

Many of us can find one by simply thinking back to childhood:

-You hated Hebrew school.
-Synagogue was boring.
-Your Hillel was too religious.
-A rabbi once said something offensive or hurtful.
-Being Jewish made you feel like an outsider at school.
-You or your family were judged or even alienated for “how” Jewish you were or weren’t.

Others of us may gravitate toward present-day excuses:

-You feel you don’t have enough Jewish knowledge to engage.
-You didn’t have the same experiences that every other Jew seems to have had.
-Your beliefs and values seem incompatible with the Jewish community.
-You’re worried about Judaism eclipsing other important pieces of your identity.
-Jewish programs seem overly focused on helping you find a partner.
-It feels like everyone already knows each other.

These (and there are many more) are all legitimate reasons to leave your Jewish identity unexplored, and I’m sure most people reading this will find one or more of these reasons resonates.

Yet, an overwhelming percentage of American Jews (94%) are proud to be Jewish.

And herein lies the paradox of 21st century American Jewry – we’re proud of something that we feel disconnected from and haven’t taken the time to seriously explore.

It’s not that we’re not open to exploring our Judaism or feeling more connected to it. It’s just that we have so many paths out and so few paths in.

This is why GatherDC created the Beyond the Tent Retreat – to present a few alternative paths into Jewish life that are compelling and meaningful for us today. This retreat won’t erase your Jewish baggage or resolve all the problems with the Jewish community. But it will validate your experience and allow you and other like-minded Jewish 20s and 30s in DC to take ownership over your Jewish identity.

It’s not hard to find the type of Judaism that doesn’t work for you. Why not spend a little time searching for a type of Judaism that does?

Our upcoming retreat is July 21-23, so if you’re interested and available, you should apply today! Early applications close on Friday, May 26.

 

From Mourning to Celebration in 2 Days

Today is Yom Hazikaron, the memorial day for Israel’s fallen soldiers. Its scope has evolved and expanded since it was passed into Israeli law in 1963. In 1980, it was expanded to include Jewish fighters killed in pre-State battles.  In 1998, the commemoration was expanded to include Israeli victims of terror. Beginning 12 years ago, some have chosen to participate in an Israeli-Palestinian Memorial Day Ceremony to remember the losses on both sides of the conflict. Just as the pain from the loss of a life ripples outward and affects many beyond the inner circle of friends and family, so too the collective consciousness of suffering has been extended in Israel throughout the years. These losses are commemorated most notably by a siren that brings the country to a standstill for 2 minutes of silence.

Yom Hazikaron immediately precedes Yom Ha’atzmaut, the day of Israel’s independence. The juxtaposition of mourning and celebration can be jarring, but it is also reflective of Israel’s and the Jewish people’s resilience. The idea of moving from sadness to joy is also found throughout the Jewish tradition, reminding us that – though one cannot exist without the other – we believe that “those who sow with tears will reap with joy” (Psalms 126:5).

The Diameter Of The Bomb

By Yehuda Amichai
The diameter of the bomb was thirty centimeters
and the diameter of its effective range about seven meters,
with four dead and eleven wounded.
And around these, in a larger circle
of pain and time, two hospitals are scattered
and one graveyard. But the young woman
who was buried in the city she came from,
at a distance of more than a hundred kilometers,
enlarges the circle considerably,
and the solitary man mourning her death
at the distant shores of a country far across the sea
includes the entire world in the circle.
And I won’t even mention the crying of orphans
that reaches up to the throne of God and
beyond, making a circle with no end and no God.

 

The views and opinions expressed in this blog and on this website are solely those of the original authors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the organization GatherDC, the GatherDC staff, the GatherDC board, and/or any/all contributors to this site.