The Jewish Version of “Girls” Exists

Taken from the "Dude, Where's My Chutzbah" Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/DudeWheresMyChutzpah).

Taken from the “Dude, Where’s My Chutzbah” Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/DudeWheresMyChutzpah).

Dude, where’s my chutzpah?” has been compared to the HBO series Girls by Jewcy.  The web series, created by Jessie Kahnweiler, follows the story of Jessie who must live a Jewish life for one year in order to receive her inheritance from her recently deceased Bubbe.  In the second episode, you learn that Jessie’s idea of living a Jewish life includes haggling at a sample sale, shopping at Bloomingdales, going on a date with a Jewish doctor, eating Chinese food, and dancing the Macarena.

Take note, this series is not for the easily offended Jew (at least not at he beginning).  Jessie plays off all the typical Jewish stereotypes and jokes on her path to Jewish discovery.

Beneath the crude humor and Jew jokes, there is a level of seriousness to the series.  On the series’ website, Jessie posts podcasts of interviews she’s done with members of the Jewish community, including rabbis, concerning their own Jewish journeys.  According to a Huffington Post article about the series, we can expect some interesting moments on the show.

Only three episodes have been posted so far, though according to Jessie’s blog the next episode – “Going Ortho”- will be up in the next 24 hours.

GTJ Satirist Brian F. – Meteorologists: DC Interns Are the Cause of DC Humidity

intInflux of Unpaid, Obnoxious Interns Found to Attract Sweltering Summer Weather 

WASHINGTON, DC – (@TheComedyNews) – Meteorologists at the National Weather Service have released a study finding that the sweltering summer humidity in Washington, DC is due to the influx of unpaid summer interns.

“We have analyzed data dating back to 1799, when the first summer interns were commissioned to help with the labor of governing the United States,” according to Dr. Roger Patrick, the lead meteorologist on the study.  “Interns were originally the children of only Congressmen,  clergymen, and bankers, and their parents wanted them to come to town to learn about running the government before any of the other general public did.”

The study notes that before 1799, the District of Columbia had very mild summers with average temperatures rarely exceeding 75 degrees Fahrenheit, and virtually no humidity at all.

Over the years, as the size of the federal government expanded, more and more interns came to DC to spend their summers working at unpaid jobs—and have thus caused the humidity that engulfs the nation’s capital from May until September.

Today’s interns attract more atmospheric moisture than ever.  Interns are seen in droves crowding the Metro train, dancing obnoxiously at the worst bars in town,  boasting about Fraternity and Sorority obligations, and are overheard in the hallways having the most arrogant conversations amongst each other.  When these unfortunate things happen, there is a hormone released when such human smugness reaches astronomic levels.  That hormone, called arrogantimone, is then released into the atmosphere and lingers in the form of humidity for six to eight weeks.

Even as this article is being composed, two interns exchanged in typical humidity-causing banter:

“Hey Lisa, we need to go to McFaddens tonight, I hear it’s a really fancy place so no wearing any of your polarbear Midwestern cardigans.”

“Oh you wish you were Midwestern, Brynn.  You don’t have college football on your campus.”

“Tufts University has football, but no one cares about it.  Also, Tufts is in Boston, that’s the same place where Harvard is.  Besides, you’re not Midwestern, you’re from Miami.” 

“I go to Michigan, and Michigan’s in the Midwest, so therefore I’m Midwestern.  Michigan also has the largest football stadium in America.”

“Well, you work at a non-profit, that’s gotta be lame.  My intern coordinator at the House of Representatives says that I get to take a picture with the Congressman at the end of the summer.”

“How many more stops until Foggy Bottom/GWU subway station?”

As this conversation went on, the windows of the Metro train began to slightly fog up.  An entire DC Summer interns blog has been set up to document such incidents.

Some estimates say that the 110,000 or so interns that will come to DC in the summer of 2013 will make this year one of the most humid on record.

One of the more intriguing findings during the National Weather Service’s research of the correlation between unpaid interns and DC summer humidity was the emergence of America’s first intern.

George Washington had who is now known as the first intern in the history of the United States.  His name was Jebbediah McMonica and he was a “Generals Apprentice”, a civilian servant tasked with drawing copies of maps, making lists, and preparing morning coffee for President Washington.

According to primary sources, many of these Generals Apprentices often complained of a wet, murky undergarment defect they would get in their clothing after working long unpaid hours.  In the late 1700s, this was known as “Foggy Bottom”.  Today, this aliment is now known as “swamp ass”.

Obstacles to the First Date – GTJ Dating Series with Erika E. (No. 66)

We all know what an obstacle is.  According to good ol’ Merriam-Webster, an obstacle is, “something that impedes progress or achievement.”  Now, what if that “something” is you?

In dating, there are so many potential obstacles to that first date:

  1. Emailing someone online
  2. Talking on the phone (I actually never recommend this… article coming on the topic soon.)
  3. Text messaging before the date

Each of the obstacles listed above is a potential rejection point for your date to decide not to go out with you (and vice versa).  Now, I know I’m a former economist and all, but you don’t need to be a math whiz to know that by removing one of these potential rejection points, your chances of getting to the date are greater.

Let’s look at a few scenarios below:

Obstacles to the first date

 

At each point, the date is presumed to have messed up in some way, but there may be an explanation for all of it.  For Endless Emailer Eddie, perhaps he just doesn’t know how online dating works.  Give him the benefit of the doubt and (gasp!) even suggest meeting him.  For Chatty Cathy on the phone, perhaps she just gets nervous and talks too much, but as she gets to know you, she’ll calm down a bit and actually breathe between talking about her precious cockatoo and her trip to Iceland last year.  And for Texting Tommy, maybe he’s just excited to go out with a great catch like you.  It’s better than the alternative – not contacting you at all.  Simply saying, “I’m not really a huge texter,” should do the trick.

Do Eddie, Cathy, and Tommy hit a bit close to home?  Or maybe you’ve dismissed one of them in your dating days.  My advice?  Remove the obstacles to the first date.  You never know if you’ll have chemistry until you meet in person, so don’t get in your own way by setting up all of these rejection points.  A couple of emails back and forth should do the trick, and then get right to the date.  As a client just emailed me this morning, “What came across in emails was not there in person.  I guess that happens quite a bit and the more experience I get at this, the sooner I will try to get to a meeting so I don’t have to [spend] my time emailing.”  Obviously, this can go either way – better in person or worse – but you have to actually meet to find out.

Erika Ettin is the Founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps people stand out from the online dating crowd and have a rewarding experience. An archive of all of Erika’s columns is also available.  Want to connect with Erika?  Join her newsletter for updates and tips.

Jewish Girl of the Week – Susan

Susan1Rachel: What brought you to DC?
Susan: The love of cold weather.  Not quite.  Being from Atlanta, I had no plans to move up north.  However, after staffing a trip to Poland, Hungary, Czech Republic, and Israel…BBYO Passport, the travel arm of BBYO, offered me a full time position in DC.  After getting back to the states, I packed my car and drove up to DC.  A large U-haul followed a few months later.

Rachel: So what exactly do you do for BBYO Passport?
Susan: I work as a Program Manager with the BBYO Passport team.  What is BBYO Passport?  Glad you asked, its the leader for Jewish teen travel.  This year, I focused on March of the Living, a Holocaust Remembrance journey.  Right now, we’re gearing up for our summer programs that span 16 countries.  I’m excited that I’ll be staffing one of our Europe programs traveling to England, France, Holland, and Belgium.  PUMPED to say the least.

Rachel: So you’ve traveled a lot.  What was your favorite country?Susan4
Susan: Traveling is definitely a passion of mine.  Can’t say I have a favorite country, but a few of my favorite experiences have included living in Italy for a summer, backpacking in Australia & Fiji, being in the most intense traffic jam in India, and spending a month on an Eco-farm in Costa Rica.

Rachel: We heard you attend a lot of music festivals.  Which ones are you looking forward to?
Susan: LOVE MUSIC!  I’ve been to a bunch of one day festivals and weekend ones… Hangout Fest in Gulf Shores BAMA (3 times), Bonnaroo in TN, Chicago’s Lollapalooza, Atlanta’s Music Midtown (4 times), and Governors Ball in NY to name a few.  On my list in the future is: Coachella in CA, Sasquatch in Washington State, and Electric Forest in Michigan.

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish food?
Susan: There’s two: my Bubbie’s salt & pepper kugel AND Mama Sloan’s Coca-Cola Brisket!

Rachel: Who is the coolest Jew?
Susan: Who isn’t the coolest being a Jew?  We are the chosen people.

Rachel: Finish the sentence: When the Jews gather…
Susan: There’s a line for the buffet.

GTJ Satirist Brian F. – ‘Creepy Guy on Subway’ Upgraded to ‘Guy I’m Interested In’ After He Backhandedly Reveals He’s Jewish

metNEW YORK, NY – (@The Comedy News) – Today on the morning rail commute, a tall, dark-haired guy sitting across from Anna Silverman began to stare at her for a good fifteen seconds.

Anna thought to herself, “he’s kinda cute, I give him a seven-point-five out of ten.  But… aww no, he’s still staring, now I give him a seven.  No, six.”  A moment later Anna’s inner monologue evaluated the guy again, “Four.  He’s a four.  Cute but a creeper.”  Anna sighed.

In an instant, the creepy guy stood up and walked towards Anna.

Oh no, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me,” Anna thought.

“Hi I’m Benji,” the creep began as he sat down next to Anna.

“Oh no!”  Anna screamed internally.

“I was just wondering,” continued Benji,  “Does this jacket smell like cabbage?”

“Eww, what?” Anna responded as she reached for her pepper spray.

“You see,” Bejji said.  “I bought this jacket last month when I was in Israel, and last Friday, I left it hanging at coat check at a Shul in Yonkers, and I’m convinced that the jacket smells like cabbage now.”

Anna put her pepper spray back in her purse.

“Were you on Birthright?”  Anna asked Benji as she began to re-evaluate him.  “Jewish, bold, self-conscious.  That’s kinda cute.  Six-point-five…”

Benji eagerly answered, “Yeah, most inspiring trip ever!  Have you been?”

“Yes! Twice last year!” Anna rejoiced.

“That’s hot, I’ve been meaning to go back to Israel all year, but I have been doing so much traveling to visit my brother who just became a Rabbi in Paris.”

“Oh my God, eight.  I’m interested!  Wait…NINE!” Anna made her final evaluation.

Benji and Anna exchanged contact information.  They will be expecting their first child at the end of February 2014.

Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com.  Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Jewish Girl of the Week – Jenny

jWant to recommend an outstanding leader to be featured on GTJ? Nominate him/her at info@gatherdc.org.

Rachel: What brought you to DC?
Jenny: I was lured to DC by promises of fame, fortune, and power. 🙂

Actually it was a natural progression.  After getting a masters in policy and working in consulting for a couple of years in Austin, I was ready to branch out.  I came up to DC for a friends bridal shower/bachelorette party and decided that his was the city I need to be in.   Low and behold two months later I had a job and moved to DC, and haven’t looked back.

Rachel: What is your favorite thing about DC?
Jenny: There is ALWAYS something to do here, something happening, or someone incredibly impressive speaking at one of a number of various different events.  The cultural opportunities here rival those of NYC and perhaps other European cities, but I think you’d be hard pressed to find another city in the US with the wealth of the population and the engagement found here.  I play on a softball team and it always boggles my mind that I play on a field (The National Mall) right next to monuments that I only saw in textbooks growing up.  Gives me chills every time!

j1Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish holiday?
Jenny: It’s a tie between Tu B’Shavat and Purim.  I was born on earth day and have an affinity towards all things earthy, plus fruit is one of my favorite things to eat so it works out well.  Purim on the other hand is a little more exciting for obvious reasons.  Like every other little girl out there, I have fond memories of dressing like Esther year after year.  Finally had to retire that costume last year due to the fact that it didn’t fit after 25 years 🙂 (jk).

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish food?
Jenny: Such an easy question, obviously fresh challah right out of the oven.  Growing up I had a hard time waiting for shabbos to eat my moms fresh baked challah, so often I would start sneaking challah by pulling pieces from the bottom, hoping no one would notice.  It always became incredibly obvious I had hollowed out the challah when my parents went to cut into it and the middle was hollow.

Rachel: Who is the coolest Jew?
Jenny: I see Jews as a collective group, therefore I am going to have to say the community as a whole.  It’s the incredible diversity and complexity that make us “cool”.

Rachel: Finish the sentence: When the Jews gather…
Jenny: ruckus ensues!

Jewish Guy of the Week – Marc

MKWant to recommend an outstanding leader to be featured on GTJ? Nominate him/her at info@gatherdc.org.

Rachel: What brought you to DC?
Marc: I grew up in NJ (Exit 9) and went to the University of Maryland (go Terps).  I liked the area so much I decided to stay.

Rachel: What is your favorite thing about the DC Jewish community?
Marc: I like going to Mesorah at 6th & I.  They make everyone feel very welcome and it’s a great place to meet other DC Jews.  Every Monday night they have Café night, where I can go to learn some Hebrew, eat sushi and pizza, and learn some Torah.  They also have services there every other Friday night.  I believe they are taking a hiatus for the summer, but feel free to check out the website http://mesorahdc.org/.

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish holiday?
Marc: Yom Kippur , I like how the whole day is devoted to bettering yourself with no other distractions, other than the occasional stomach growl.

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish food?
Marc: Schwarma with a lot of חריף.friends

Rachel: Who is the coolest Jew?
Marc: Eric Shapiro, ladies he is 6ft tall, single, kosher and is going to be a doctor.  He loves kids and recently volunteered in Haiti to help those that needed medical care.  He is the lighter skinned guy on the left in the attached picture, in the middle is Dan who is equally as awesome and the coolest Israeli you will ever meet.

Rachel:  Finish the sentence: When the Jews gather…
Marc: …the goyim scatter.

B’nai B’rith International Opens Disaster Relief Fund to Aid Victims of Oklahoma Tornado

Severe Weather(Washington, D.C., May 21, 2013)—B’nai B’rith International has opened its Flood, Tornado and Hurricane Disaster Relief Fund in the wake of the devastating tornado that ripped through the Oklahoma City suburb of Moore on May 20, killing at least 24, injuring many more and flattening much of the town.  The death toll is still expected to rise.

The funds raised will be used to help the victims of the tornado as they look to rebuild their town, which has been described by many as now resembling a war zone.

The tornado moved across a 20-mile stretch with winds of at least 200 mph. In the path of the deadly storm were a hospital and an elementary school, both of which were destroyed. Rescue workers labored throughout the night searching for survivors amongst the wreckage.

This is the third major tornado to devastate the area in the last 15 years.

“No amount of advanced warning could have prepared the people of Moore for the horrors this storm has brought.  We’re going to do our best to help these people get back on their feet,” B’nai B’rith International President Allan J. Jacobs said.  “B’nai B’rith has helped disaster victims since 1865.  Each disaster we help with has its own unique challenges.  As always, we will carefully evaluate needs and provide assistance to address immediate needs and longer term rebuilding efforts.”

The B’nai B’rith Flood, Tornado and Hurricane Disaster Relief Fund aided victims of Hurricane Sandy in the fall of 2012, as well as the victims of tornadoes in the South and Midwest. B’nai B’rith disaster relief funds have  also provided aid to victims of the famine in East Africa, the 2011 tsunami and earthquake in Japan and the 2010 earthquake in Haiti; and provided humanitarian assistance to the Somali refugees fleeing violent conflict to Kenya.

“The images of Moore are absolutely gut-wrenching.  But as bleak as things look right now, we need to press on and help our fellow citizens rebuild their lives,” B’nai B’rith Executive Vice President Daniel S. Mariaschin said.  “We will work with representatives of agencies and our members on the ground to provide assistance where it is needed in the wake of this tornado.”

To help, donate online at our secure website by clicking here.<https://secure3.convio.net/bbi/site/Donation2?df_id=1415&1415.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=dopd8dr7be.app331b>

You can also call 800-573-9057 to make a credit card contribution over the phone. Or, you can send a check payable to the B’nai B’rith Disaster Relief Fund to:

B’nai B’rith International
Flood, Tornado and Hurricane Disaster Relief Fund
2020 K Street NW, 7th Floor
Washington, DC 20006

B’nai B’rith International, the Global Voice of the Jewish Community, is the oldest and most widely known Jewish humanitarian, human rights and advocacy organization. Since 1843—now in our 170th year—B’nai B’rith International has worked for Jewish unity, security, continuity and tolerance.  Visit www.bnaibrith.org.

Arrested Development Season 4- THIS WEEKEND!

adIf you’re like me, you’ve been counting down the days until Arrested Development Season 4 finally hits Netflix.  AD has at times played with Jewish motifs (most notably, George Bluth Sr.’s conversion after seeing a shadow in the shape of a Star of David in solitary confinement).  In honor of AD’s new release 7 years in the making, here are a few of the Jews involved in the making of the show:

Mitchell Hurwitz – Writer and Producer (also a Georgetown alum!)
Jessica Walter – Lucille Bluth ( I don’t understand the question, I won’t respond to it.)
David Cross – Tobias Fünke (I blue myself!)
Jeffery Tambor – George Bluth Sr. (There’s always money in banana stand, knk knk.)
Bob Einstein – Larry Middleman, George Bluth Sr.’s surrogate
Jeff Garlin – Mort Meyers, the Tantamount Studios executive that believe Maeby to be older than she is
Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Maggie Lizer, the “blind” and “pregnant” lawyer that Michael has a relationship with
James Lipton – Stefan Gentiles, the warden of the Orange County Prison (NO TOUCHING) where George Sr. is held
Henry Winkler – Barry Zuckerkorn, the Bluth’s incompetent lawyer
Seth Rogan – Young George Sr. in season 4!

Some of  these characters are a bit obscure if you’re not an AD fan, so here’s the AD wiki to help you study up in the time for the fourth season.  And here’s a supercut of the 18 Best Running Jokes (unless you’re…chicken).

Happy watching!

The Dog Days of Dating – GTJ Dating Series with Erika E. (No. 65)

puppyThis past weekend, I planned to adopt a dog.  This was a huge step for me since, as a young girl, I was bitten by my neighbor’s dog (and still have a scar to prove it).  So, after reading and taking notes on “Dogs for Dummies” and spending several months petting dogs to get comfortable, I was ready to bite the bullet and invite a pet into my life.  I searched the list and fell in love with little Bashful’s pictures.  She was just so darn cute!  I read her bio, and she seemed to have everything I was looking for – the right age, the right size, and a nice coat of brown fur.

On Sunday morning, I went to the adoption event, pages of notes in hand so I would know what to buy at the puppy store once little Bashful was mine.  When I got there, she was just as cute as her photos… maybe even more so.  And she was sweet, walking right up to me and sitting in my lap.  What more could I want?

So, I was told to buy a collar while they got the paperwork ready.  I opted to sit with her for another few minutes instead, saying things like, “I’m going to be your puppy mommy.”  (Yes – I’m a total sap.)  As the forms were coming my way, and I was really starting to bond with my new friend, a supervisor came over to me and said (while Bashful was still in my lap, mind you), “So, we decided that we’re not going to let you adopt this dog.  She can only go to a home with other dogs.  And by the way, she can’t live in the city, either.”  Had any of that that been in her bio?  No.  Had they told me that before I started to get excited and bond with her?  No.  Would I have even chosen her had I known this was the case?  Of course not.  So I left, feeling sad that I was not getting the new best friend I wanted and deceived that something so important (a deal breaker, if you will) had not been stated upfront.

As I walked away, I thought to myself that the situation sounded oddly similar to online dating.  I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where a profile says exactly what we want it to say.  We meet our date and everything seems to be going fine until…

BAM! – Your date tells you he doesn’t want children.

BAM! – She’s really just separated and not divorced… and still living with her ex!

BAM! – She has five kids but she only listed two.

BAM! – He said he’s not very religious and has no dietary restrictions, but when I ordered a pepperoni pizza, he almost disowned me.

In online dating, it’s so important that your deal breakers are out there front and center.  If you don’t want children, that’s fine!  Just make sure you check that box off in your profile.  If you’re extremely religious (or not at all), that’s ok, too!  Don’t underplay that simply to get more dates.  The last thing you want is for someone to go out with you only to be disappointed because you didn’t disclose something really important in your profile.  So don’t be bashful.  Be true to yourself.  You may go on fewer dates, but your dates will want you for the real you rather than for the person who is trying to appeal to everyone simply by not sharing the truth.

And this goes for searching, too.  As hard as it may be, try not to fall in love with someone’s pictures and profile (merely words on a page) before meeting in person.  I know I’ll keep that in mind when it comes to any future pets, too.  I want a dog who loves me for me – living in an apartment in downtown DC, having no other pets (besides Sir Quackers, my childhood stuffed duck), and just wanting to show him/her love and affection.

Erika Ettin is the Founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps people stand out from the online dating crowd and have a rewarding experience. An archive of all of Erika’s columns is also available.  Want to connect with Erika?  Join her newsletter for updates and tips.