It has come to my attention that my client [CHRISTMAS] contends that you [HANUKKAH] have infringed upon Christmas’ position as the preeminent gift-giving holiday during the cold weather months of November and/or December. My client demands that you cease and desist your existence as a gift-giving holiday immediately.
I understand that you [HANUKKAH] are a “festival” and not a holiday. However, you and my client [CHRISTMAS] are constantly grouped by the politically-correct masses into the same category.
In the scenarios listed below, the unauthorized likenesses of Hanukkah (H) to Christmas (C) are highlighted:
· Menorahs (H) vs. Christmas Trees (C). A free-standing symbol of holiday cheer consisting of lights and flames.
· Potato Pancakes(H) vs. Buttermilk Pancakes (C) Honestly, did you really have to re-invent the pancake?
· Blue Tinsel (H) vs. Green/Red Tinsel (C). Decorative tinsel is for Christmas. You may not make it blue and call it ‘Hanukkah Tinsel’
· Dreidels (H) vs. Assorted Gambling (C). Dreidels are a cheaper knock-off of dice- which are supposed to have six sides. The only gambling allowed during the holiday season is reserved for College Bowl Games.
· Eight Nights (H) vs. Christmas Eve (C). The nights of Hanukkah are artificially inflated, my client alleges, to overlap with Christmas every few years. Unacceptable.
· Adam Sandler (H) vs. Bing Crosby (C). Mr. Sandler’s “humorous” incarnations of the Hanukkah song are a rip on Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas.” And all he does is name celebrities that are Jewish. That’s not a song, that’s a Wikipedia page.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.