Jewish Guy – Matt

Tell us about yourself
I was born and raised in Florida and continued onto college at the University of Florida.  Naturally that makes me a diehard Gator fan.  I am also a huge Tampa sports fan, music lover, and closet wannabe hipster.  I have been living in DC for four years now and I work at an accounting/consulting firm in the forensic fraud group.  I like long walks on the beach and pina coladas.

What was your first reaction when you heard you were going to be a JGOTW?
It went a little like this:

We’ve heard that you are special- that you’re somewhat of a celebrity…
Indeed once upon a time I was-but not for being Jewish. Back when I was in elementary school in Tampa, Florida, I along with two of my friends won a national contest that won our elementary school a year’s supply of apples (heyyo passover).  The contest was called the Lunch Box Derby and the contest was to build a car out of fruits and vegetables and roll it down a ramp.  We ended up setting a national record when we participated in the local Tampa race.  That won us a 5 day all-expense paid trip to Chicago which culminated in a face-off with 3 other teams around the country in a battle of the best fruitcar.  My team and I ended up winning the winner-take-all race in Chicago by a mere 6 inches!  For all of this, we were on Good Morning America, not to mention a bunch of other random news programs across the country. My parents phone rang off the hook over the next week as friends and family who were not aware of my newfound celebrity status were calling after catching glimpses of our team becoming national Lunch Box Derby champions. Somewhere, buried away in my parents’ closet, the footage exists. So that makes me something like a C-list celebrity, right?

Speaking of celebrities, is it true that you asked out someone famous?
Again, you heard correct.  Unfortunately the story did not turn out as one would hope.  The very first girl I asked out ended up becoming an American Idol finalist who shall not be named.  I was in 6th grade and nervous as anything and I remember feeling relieved once I uttered the words: “would you like to be my girlfriend?”  Needless to say, 15 years later I realize my words were very forward.  But I digress, I got a polite “no thank you” and remember thinking to myself (and quite possibly said aloud), “hey- at least I asked!”  Not two hours later, the little minx was spotted holding hands with my best friend (Damn you, Luke!)!  Now, if you’re feeling bad for me because my best friend stole my wishful girlfriend, there is no need.  The joke was on him!  As I have come to find out, the only thing that Ms. American Idol and I ever had in common was that we both like women.

Tablet magazine is having a contest for four new questions you’d like to ask at the seder. What would you choose?

1) Why is Elijah late to the seder every year? You would think after thousands of years the guy would at least learn that it’s rude to always be late.
2) Why, oh why, when the ancient Israelites fled Egypt, could they not have brought something savory with them instead of matzoh?
3) What were the Israelites first thoughts when they grabbed the unleavened bread and tasted it? Seriously.
4) Why did the Matzoh quit his job? Because he didn’t get a raise! Ba-da boom. I am retiring on that one.

0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *