Gather the News – Jewish News – 3/7

There are weeks, and then there are weeks like this past one. Jews seemed to dominate the news past week, with one entertaining story after another.  The bullets points below, my friends, is why I do Gather the News.

  • You can always count on the Iranian regime to do something provocatively crazy.  When it’s not posing existential threats, or violently suppressing dissent, it’s complaining that the butt-ugly 2012 Olympics logo is racist.

    Maybe Iran can help me try to figure out what the hell this was?

  • But that’s not all!  The Jews, or Zionists, or whatever, are also responsible for sowing the seeds of revolution in the Arab world, according to the president of Yemen.  Come on, it was just a matter of time before someone said it.
  • What?  You thought that was it?  Nope!  Wikileaks’ Julian Assange reportedly pegs us as also responsible for his recent misfortunes.
  • Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic, whom I would like to be best friends with, ties it all together.
  • And I almost forgot about Gaddafi, who once tried to buy influence in the Knesset.  Now THAT’S a conspiracy!
  • The Pope exonerates Jews for Jesus’ death in his new book.  I’m certainly glad we nipped that one in the bud.
  • I reported last week on John Galliano’s supposed antisemitic rant; well, it’s “supposed” no more, because it was caught on video!
  • In response, recent Oscar winner and MOT Natalie Portman issues a statement calling the rant the “opposite of all that is beautiful.”  I am the opposite of not moved by her awkward phrasing.
  • Happy 350th to Jewish humor!  A Berkley professor traces Jewish humor back to its humble, rather mean origins.
  • Leaders of the Vizhnitz Hasidim are encouraging students to forgo metal glasses and contact lenses, in favor of less modern plastic glasses.  Moses wore plastic glasses, you know.  Look it up.
  • A 5-foot-10, 69-year-old, Chinese-American, Kosher-observing Jew, is the happiest man in America.  I only wish I was clever enough to make up something like that.
  • Elderly Jews argue over the placement of a makeshift synagogue in their South Florida condo complex.  Sarah Palin tweets, “peaceful snowbirds, pls refudiate.”
  • Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about Charlie Sheen.  He offers up a pretty sound explanation that he’s not antisemitic (but still most definitely a jerk).
  • Plus, he’s Jewish anyway.  Wait, what?!

Please send me stories all week at!

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