No Post On Saturdays?

Stephen Richer
No Post On Saturdays?

At the beginning of the month, the United States Post Office proposed a few measures to reduce its projected $7 billion yearly deficit.

Among the most popular plans: end mail service on Saturday.

I don’t know anything about the economic efficiency of such a measure, and I’m a big fan of Saturday mail (especially now that I’m waiting to hear back on school applications), but I celebrated the news on two accounts.

1. It highlights the gross inefficiencies of governmentally mandated monopolies.
2. It suggests a growing power of Jews in America.

Will we finally take back the Sabbath? Parity with Christianity? We’ve long been titans in academia, Hollywood, banking, business, retail clothing, etc, but do we really have such clout at the Post Office?

Jews are not unfamiliar with the power strings of the Post Office. Preston Robert Tisch, a famous Jewish businessman (Loews and the New York Giants) served as United States Postmaster General for some time. But whether it is because we don’t mesh with the allergens of the outdoors, dogs, or the baseball caps that the Postal infantry is exposed to, we’ve never thoroughly infiltrated the Post Office.

What changed?

Well, perhaps you’ve already spotted my hitherto flawed reasoning. I said that the Post Office is taking steps to reduce the debt it has incurred as a result of its inefficiency, but at the same time I suggested that Jews are the real driving force behind the “no Saturday” proposal. How can it be both factors that are forcing the decision–the economics and the Jews?

Well, what if the Jews forced the economic situation that caused the Post Office to resort exigent measures? The Post Office is in especially bad shape this year because of the economic downturn. More than one highly credible source has suggested that the Jews of Wall Street caused the economic downturn… Could this have just been an elaborate ploy to cripple the Post Office?

The internet is the other main culprit in the Post Office’s economic hardships. Tim Berners-Lee and Al Gore (neither Jewish) are popularly credited with the creation of this handy device. But maybe Jews only propped them up as “poster boys” so that the eventual demise of the Post Office would not be linked to Jews. Or, better yet, maybe the internet of Lee and Gore was secretly supplanted with a second, stronger and faster internet created by the Jews, and it was this internet that really drove the Post Office into debt.

Did George Bush make a mistake when he famously spoke of the “internets” in the 2004 debate with John Kerry? Or did he simply know something we didn’t? Whatever the reason, I hope the “no Saturday” proposal wins the day so that I can soon be celebrating my mail free Saturday afternoons with a nice bowl of cholent.

Note: Not one word of this essay beyond the words “mandated monopolies” should be taken seriously.

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